Glimmer

It’s standard operations on blogs like mine. In fact, I’ve already talked about it more than once. You know where I’m going with this, right? The old “will we or won’t we” question. And of course I’m talking about having more babies. I feel sort of like a douchebag even bringing it up again. Honestly, what sort of gall do I have to possibly but probably not but maybe but no I DO NOT but YES I DO but I probably don’t want another baby? The whole thought pattern is annoying even to me, the one who is having the thoughts in the first place.

I had my annual OBGYN visit last week. I love my doctor. When I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Liv, I switched from the practice who delivered my first 2 babies because their founding doctor and my 2 favorite midwives had left leaving a creepy man doctor, and the remaining OB that I’d never liked. I’d had really good experiences with the resident in the hospital who was on hand when I’d delivered both Bud and Lucy, and had heard that she joined a practice so I took a leap of faith and switched. And that doctor was just as great as I’d remembered, but I ended up clicking with another doctor in the practice, and she became my primary OB. She’s fantastic. She gets me. We’ve had some really great conversations, and even when I go more than a year without seeing her, she always remembers me, my big babies, and that I hate birth control even though I’ve tried some things at her suggestion. So yes. Love her.

She’s recently started performing that in office lady sterilization that seems to be getting so popular and is a strong proponent of it. I told her how Hub is terrified of the old snip snip and she wholeheartedly recommended this procedure, should I decide I am ready to take permanent action. And if I’m not, she told me, she would expect to see me back in her office pregnant before Liv goes to Kindergarten. She knows me. She knows my fertility. She doesn’t think my handy dandy app will work forever. So of course I left there with my mind racing and many things to think about.

Here’s the thing: I am reasonably certain that I don’t want to have any more babies. We’ve come so far. Liv is still…well, Liv. I don’t think she’d do well with a younger sibling. Really, I’m mostly ok with being done. And so, I brought all of this up to Hub that very evening.

“Do it.”, he said before the words were even out of my mouth. “ You should get it done.”

There was something about him making this decree, regardless of the context and regardless of me asking his opinion. The second he uttered those words, I went ballistic. As in who the hell do you think you are, to tell me to shut off my babymaker? What happens if you drop dead tomorrow and I meet someone else and want to have his babies? What if what if what if? Of course, this was the very moment Liv picked to parade through the kitchen, pants on the ground, dragging the dog behind her yelling some jib jab at her sister who had scorned her.

“Another one of those”, Hub said.

And really, the answer is no. I don’t want another one of those (nevermind that for as crazy as she makes me I think that Liv’s inappropriate tenacity and difficultness is kind of…charming). But I don’t want to never be able to change my mind. I don’t want the finality. I want to keep my babymaker intact. For now. And I certainly don’t want my husband or anyone telling me what to do with it. So I think that’s what the choice is here, whether I want to shut down the factory and know that it’s over for good or to keep that glimmer somewhat alive.

How do you decide? How do you know when is when? The arbitrary restriction I placed on myself years ago was 35. I don’t want to have any more babies after I am 35. That’s always been my personal cutoff. I’m a year and a half away from my 35th birthday. Is this enough time for me to decide once and for all? Or if I gave myself until then would I feel differently? Would I say to myself “well, I’ll be 35 for a whole 12 months…I still have time!” and then end up putting it off and putting it off until I have a late in life baby at something like age 45 when my other kids are grown?

I just don’t know. If I don’t want to make this decision and I don’t want anyone making it for me, it means I have to keep thinking and thinking about it, mulling the “what ifs.” What if it’s meant to be? But what if it’s not? Ack.

100 Facts About Me Revisited: Part 1

I’ve sort of had this idea for a while now, and between trying to eat right and exercise and keep my life under control, I haven’t had much to write about that is interesting for a while. I made my “100 Facts About Me” list maybe 5 years ago? Wait, I will look! And add the link! Here it is on my old blog! So yes, a little less than 5 years ago. Anyway, as people change over time, I would imagine that some of their facts would change as well. Additionally, some of my facts, as I re-read the list, are not facts at all.

Over the next several weeks, I am going to edit my list in a series of posts. I may elaborate on some things. I may edit some facts so they are currently relevant, and the facts that are not actually facts? I’ll have to come up with something new to replace them with. Should be fun, right? And will be perfect fodder for blogging when I have nothing to say.

So, here it goes!

1. I met my husband on the school bus when I was in 7th grade. (2012 edit—true)
2. I hated his guts. (2012 edit—true)
3. I complained to him about my boyfriend who was a jerk for most of my sophomore year in high school. (2012 edit—that boyfriend was a jerk because he liked drugs more than he liked me. I looooooved him. Like full on I would do anything for him love. I would complain to Hub on the bus because he would listen, but also because he was sort of Boyfriend’s friend and I thought maybe he would talk some sense in to him. He didn’t.)
4. He and I began dating that summer. (2012 edit—yes)
5. Even though we were very young, we kind of knew we were it for each other. (2012 edit—yes)
6. This August will mark 12 years of togetherness for us. (2012 edit—18 years in August—so I guess my math was off on the first list)
7. I have loved to sing for my entire life. (2012 edit—yes)
8. I consider myself to be quite good. (2012 edit—yes)
9. It kills me that I’m not doing anything musical right now. (2012 edit—yes)

Numbers 1-5 are really all part of the same story. All true, and factual in a history book sort of way. But they are not necessarily facts about me. Number 6 is outdated. Again, 7, 8, and 9 tell a factual story, but are generally the same idea. So. Let’s re-write 1-9!

1. When I met Hub on the school bus in 7th grade, I found him to be the most annoying person on the planet. I did not talk to him for nearly 4 years.
2. When Hub and I were invited to the same event by our mutual best friend the summer after my sophomore year, I had immediate and intense feelings for him.
3. We began dating officially at a Woodstock ’94 party when I was 15, and he was 18. August 14th, 1994 is the official day. I know this because these are the things you track in high school.
4. I started singing in choirs and choruses when I was in 2nd grade. I was way too shy in middle/high school to do much of anything else with it.
5. I majored in vocal music in college with plans to be a music teacher, but my nerves and having to do things alone in front of people got in my way, so I quit and pursued English and Business instead.
6. When I started working at my company in 2000, I had absolutely no intentions of making a career out of it. I planned on answering the phones for awhile, while I figured out what the next best thing was. For 12 years I’ve found bigger and better consistently—all at the same company.
7. In my early career, I learned how to talk on the phone and deal with difficult people, which opened the door to training and projects. This sounds like a weird thing to say, but my call center experience changed me profoundly—for the better.
8. That all being said, I still don’t necessarily consider myself to be the most outgoing person. I’m an observer in a lot of situations; the quiet one.
9. Once I know someone though, and am really comfortable, I am sort of the queen of running my mouth. Seriously. Try and stop me.