Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Well then....

I made it to the (crappy) home computer, and now it just seems like there is so much to write and not enough time to do it. Christmas was drama filled, but good for the kiddos. Things are good right now. I've been on vacation for 10 days and am exhausted. The baby has learned how to get really pissed off, which is fun....or not. Lucy has been pretty sick, but seems to be better today, and Bud has an issue with sneaking junk food when we aren't looking. I need a Valium or something.

So here are some Christmas photos with an empty promise of posting something real at some point this week. Or the 2008 year end survey meme. Or whatever the hell I feel like doing.

Failed Christmas Card Attempts, and then the actual snowy one

Liv gets a taste of cookies:

Christmas Morning (Lucy's Cabbage Patch Doll (Roseanna)looks just like the one I had as a kid. And yes, they are all in matching jammies. SHUT IT!)

Lucy makes a good Snow White, huh? Also, Liv enjoyed her 1st Christmas.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I can not believe my lack of posting. Especially since there is a lot going on. But alas, work is ridiculously busy too, so I have not been able to write or comment. I’ve been reading though, all of your holiday preparation stories, all of your tweets, and I am hoping to catch up on commenting today. Anyhooskers, today seems like a good day for a list:

• Last Thursday was a bad day which inspired my post on Friday. Things are fine. I have a great husband who really enjoys taking care of our kids. He just really irritates me sometimes. A LOT.
• I applied and interviewed for a new position within my company this week. I’m not actually sure how I feel about leaving what I do now. I’m an awful interview anyway. I have a really hard time tooting my own horn, you know? I hear myself speaking and I sound like an idiot and I get nervous and short of breath……almost to the point of panic. Inside, I am screaming “This is so STUPID!! You interview people ALL THE TIME!!” but on the outside, I’m all “ah…duh duh”. So I guess we’ll see how it plays out, but it’s not looking good.
• After one month (+) of trying, and many washed clothes and sheets, we’ve decided to put Bud back in to pull-ups at night. He just can’t do it overnight. I kind of wish we hadn’t stopped because of the mixed message it sends, but I was starting to feel like it was cruel to have him sleeping in a wet bed all night because no matter what happened, he did not wake up. Poor pumpkin.
• Liv has finally gotten over her horror cough and cold. She is trying really hard to roll over but hasn’t been able to do it yet. She has plenty of other tricks though which include blowing very large spit bubbles, pulling on everyone’s lips, nose and hair, and throwing herself backwards when you are holding on to her. And she thinks all of it is hysterical.
• Lucy has caught the horror cold, complete with fever. This should put me in line to get it, oh, right about Christmas.
• Hub was reorganizing the basement last weekend and thinking out loud as to whether we should keep Bud’s and Liv’s outgrown clothes or just plan on buying all new clothes should another baby come around. He then tells me that if we’re going to have one more baby, we may as well have 2. How can you go from saying NO!!! to saying 2 more? Maybe he was trying to scare me?? The thought of 5 honestly scares me. 4 is my number. And honestly, the more I think about it, 3 might be my number. I feel like going from 3-4 equals a lifestyle change whereas going from 2-3 was business as usual. I don’t know. I change my mind every day.
• We are buying Bud and Lucy new beds for Christmas. This will allow us to put all 3 kids in our master bedroom while we take their smaller room that leads to the upstairs while we start remodeling up there. The end result will be to have the girls share a room and Bud on his own. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to play out.
• I will leave you with some kid speak:

Lucy: When I grow up and become a mom, will I be a mom forever then?
Me: Yes, once you are a mom, you are always a mom.
Lucy: I can’t wait to be a mom FOREVER!!
Bud: You can’t be a mom forever Lucy because someday YOU WILL BE DEAD!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Justified Rage

My kids go to pre-school/daycare 3 days a week, and Hub stays home with them 2 days. It is actually a pretty good set-up, and we save the expense of full time care. The kids get the benefits of interacting with other children and preparing for kindergarten along with the benefits of having a SAH parent.

Being the parent who works is actually pretty hard on me—and not for the reasons you might think.

When I drop them off at school, I am done. I know that they will be fed, cared for, napped and engaged all day long. I don’t have to think about anything, (though I do occasionally call to see how Liv has eaten) I can watch them online, and I receive a handy dandy progress report when I pick them up at the end of the day.

On the days that Hub is home, it’s a little bit different. I need to give him props because he does just fine with the big kids—probably better than I would even as far as keeping them on a schedule. He does great with playing with Liv and keeping her happy. What he does not do though, is pay any attention to her schedule, what she has eaten, how she has napped or when she was changed. He calls me at work to find out what and when and how—even though I make all of the bottles before I leave in the morning, and leave out the fruit/vegetable du jour. Even though he knows she is on a 4-hour schedule as far as bottles are concerned. Even though I tell him before I leave when she should eat next.

This is more than frustrating for me, and it peaked yesterday, when at 4PM he called me at work to ask ME how much Liv had eaten so far……

I’m going to pause here to let you take that in.

How in the hell would I know??

We then argued because he couldn’t get past that if he was telling me there were 2 bottles in the fridge, I couldn’t tell him how much she had eaten. I couldn’t get past that HE was the one who fed her and he didn’t know the answer to his own question. AND then!! It turned out that there weren’t even 2 bottles left in the fridge—which explained A LOT!

This is insane, right?

The subject has been dropped, but not resolved. I think I just need to suck it up and realize that whether I am home or not, I am in charge of the baby. Regardless of it being ridiculously unfair.

I am going out tonight, right after work. She needs to have cereal, 2 medicines and one bottle before bed. Would I be wrong to ask him to fill out a sheet like daycare does?

Something tells me that wouldn’t go over very well.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Free for All- A Tale of Two Memes

Yes, I am doing Memes today to take my mind off the crap and the stress a la Sarah. I did have a really nice relaxing night last night though which included all children sleeping before 9, hot chocolate and whipped cream, and being in bed in time to watch Seinfeld at 10.

Favorite Christmas Carol: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings mix by BNL and Sarah McLachlan
Favorite Christmas Cookie: peanut butter blossoms
Favorite Christmas Movie: A Christmas Story—We watch it through Christmas Eve at Hub’s cousin’s house and keep it on at home too.
Favorite Christmas Tradition: Selecting “the perfect ornament” with the kiddos each year (we are going tonight!), our annual Christmas morning Brunch where my parents and Hub’s parents come to eat and exchange gifts
Christmas Dinner: Usually ham, My Aunt Lisa makes an excellent Christmas Dinner every year
Best Childhood Christmas Present: Definitely the original Nintendo. There was one gift left under the tree and it was marked for my mom. She asked my brother and I to open it for her. It.Was.Awesome,
What do you do with Christmas Cards? Up until this year, I put them in this card tree we had, but they always fell out. So I threw it out. I have no idea what I am doing with thme now.
Sitting on Santa's lap: fun or scary? Scary!!!
What is the best gift you've given? Hmmm, I got Hub a TiVo and if that isn’t the gift that keeps on giving, I don’t know what is.
What is your favorite Christmas book? I can’t even think of a Christmas book…..
When did you find out the truth about Santa? I was about 8 and my 5-year-old brother told me. Naïve much?
Where is your favorite place to celebrate Christmas? I like what we do, which is Hub’s family on Christmas Eve, home with the kiddos in the morning, then family brunch, and then my Uncle’s house on Christmas night. I also enjoy “fake Christmas” with my mom’s side of the family.

And now for something completely different……

I saw this over at Pocklock’s Blog and thought it was really interesting. Basically, you ask the Meme poster to assign you a letter, and you write about 10 things you love that begin with that letter. And so I commented, and she assigned me “S”. That being said, if you would like to do this one, leave me a comment, and I will assign you a letter.

So, here I go, 10 things I LOVE that begin with the letter “S”.

1. I love Seinfeld. Seriously, if I had $200 to drop, I would buy the complete series on DVD. My life is peppered with quotes and actions from the series. There are many photos from my wedding of me dancing as Elaine. Oh yes, Seinfeld. I love you. (I would love to receive “Scene It—The Seinfeld Edition” for Christmas)

2. Stern. I love you, Howard Stern.

3. And on the same token, I love my Sirius Satellite Radio. The 90’s alternative station always takes me back to high school.
4. Sebastian, my crazy old cat. He has kept me entertained for the last 8 years. And I love him even though I have to keep my toes tucked in tight under my blanket all night long, for fear that he will think we are playing some sort of crazy, toe biting, night time game. (I love you too, Oswald)
5. Starbucks. There is not a day that could not be made better by a fancy Starbucks drink. My current favorite?? The Peppermint Mocha Twist. Yum.

6. Samantha, my sweet niece.
7. Soup, especially this time of the year. For the record, one of my favorite meals is canned chicken noodle soup and a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayo. The sandwich is, or course, dunked in the soup.
8. Sisters. I don’t actually have a sister, but those that I consider to be my sisters, I loves you muchly.
9. Sleep. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… (I miss you………)
10. Shot glasses. We have close to 150 in out collection

So there you have it…and wouldn’t you know, I DO feel better. Happy Weekend!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Suck It

Today started at 1:42 AM, thank you very much. Lucy had wet the bed, for the second time in her life, and was very upset about it. So there was half asleep sheet and clothes changing and cleaning up before it was decided that she would just come back to bed with Hub and me. Lucy contorts herself in an odd fashion when she sleeps, so Hub had her feet in his face for a while, and I had her bony elbows. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well, and I am pretty exhausted.

I’ve felt like I’m in a funk all week so far. It’s grey, dreary and cold. I dread driving home from in the dark where it’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts or scary “what if” scenarios. By the time I get home, I am physically and emotionally drained. And then there is dinner, baths and laundry to deal with……

I’ve been making it to bed by 11:30 or so and can barely drag myself out of bed in time to shower and start a bottle for the baby before we leave. I’ve worn jeans and sweaters to work every day this week because the thought of stockings and heels seems too overwhelming. It is typically frowned upon to see management in jeans all the time, but everyone is so wrapped up in their own crap that they haven’t noticed.

I’m hoping that I’m just adjusting to the winter weather and time change, you know? I want to be curled up under blankets on the couch all the time, drinking cocoa with loads of whipped cream watching TV or reading books, and clearly, that is not an option.

We do have something fun planned for this weekend though, which involves a trip in to Rochester for a birthday party, and then driving out to Syracuse for dinner and “Lights on the Lake” which is a drive-thru light display at a state park. We are also taking the kids to pick out their Christmas ornaments on Friday night.

Hopefully the fun filled holiday activity will snap me out of it, but until then, today can suck it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Ugh, I am avoiding work today, and I have a lot to do between now and what is my end of the month—which is 12/19. There’s no better way to procrastinate than with a list, right? So here is some randomosity at its best.

• My mother is being a drama queen and I can not deal with it. I don’t think it’s acceptable to tell your mother to just shut up already, so I’m sucking it up. But my, she is annoying me. Completely unrelated—she has taken to adding curry powder to everything she cooks. Deviled Eggs? Mac and Cheese……you name it. I LOATHE curry powder. Plus it does not agree with me at all. I’ve sent her an email to please not make curried deviled eggs for a family get together and she’s not answering me. Which possibly means that I have offended her. Or that she’s not home. Whatever.
• Bud has been complaining of chest pains recently, and yesterday was in tears about it so we got him right in to the doctor (he was originally going on Friday). The verdict is indigestion but we have to take him for an EKG and ECHO to be sure. In the meantime, he is on Children’s Prevacid for a week to see if it makes any difference. I hope it does. It’s scary when your kid tells you that his heart hurts.
• I have no holiday shopping done. This is not unusual for me, but I am feeling kind of unsettled about it. Bud is finally at the age where he wants VERY.SPECIFIC.THINGS! and I’m worried we won’t find them. Lucy, thankfully, couldn’t care less about what she gets. And Liv, clearly, will get a few small things, you know, for the sport of it, but will have no clue. Anyway, holiday shopping time makes me want to punch people in the throat more than any other time of the year.
• When Lucy was a baby she had this shirt that said “Daddy’s Little Present” (which I maintain is 99% cute and 1% creepy) and I have been looking all over for it to put on Liv. I know I have seen it recently but it is nowhere to be found. We only have a small window of time for her to wear it people!!
• I think that I had mentioned before that Lucy’s pants were not fitting her right. All of these places, trying to do the skinny style for these little girls with their jeans and dress pants. They don’t work on Lucy. 3t’s are too tight in the thighs and 4t’s are just too long and too big in the waist. She is wearing stretch pants and leggings pretty exclusively. I don’t know what else to do!!
• My head is about to explode so I need to end this. Besides, I need to figure out just what the hell I am doing about our Christmas cards. HELL.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Flying Time

So, everyone had a busy weekend, huh? We spent Thanksgiving with my parents this year, and then I cooked at home on Friday. BIL, niece, and MIL came over and it was a nice time. I love turkey sandwiches.

The baby turned 4 months old on Saturday and had her regular 4-month checkup. It went well; she weighs 15 lbs and is 26 inches long which explains why her toes are trying to poke out of all of her jammies. When I spoke with the doctor about her spitting up, she decided that it was not just “normal” because of it’s frequency—she spit up 4 times while we were in the office alone—and prescribed Zantac. She gets a teeny tiny baby dose twice a day. I’ve seen no results so far, but the doctor said it could take up to 2 weeks. She seems to hate the taste of it though, which is peppermint. And if I were a baby, I might not like peppermint either. We got the go ahead to start solids, but if I’m being honest, she’s been getting cereal for about a month already, and we started fruits about a week ago. So far, she’s had applesauce and bananas and she loves them. We have one more day of applesauce and then I think I’m going to do squash. I’m glad she’s a good eater.

I thought of Sarah when we were there because the nurse said “so she’s rolling……” as if it were a fact, not a question. And when I said no, she looked alarmed and said “not even one way??” No, not even one way. Then she told me that I needed to put her on her tummy more often. To which I replied that this is my third baby, and I’m pretty sure that 1. I know what I’m doing and 2. she’ll roll when she’s ready. Er…emmm…except that I didn’t. But I totally cursed her out in my head though my lips just made a straight pressed line on the outside. She really wants to roll but her chubby legs seem to prevent her from doing so. I’m not worried about it.

We spent all day with the Christmas decorations yesterday and it was probably the least fun I’ve had in years. The kids were just on my last freaking nerve the whole time. Bud broke 2 ornaments and Lucy was overly whiny. Hub, who was putting up the outside stuff, checked to see how things were going at one point and all that I could say was that I needed a drink. STAT. I finally shipped the kiddos down in to the basement and finished it myself. You can tell how tall the kids are because the ornaments on the top half of the tree are sparse……but it looks good. And we only had to tell Bud to get out from under the tree one time…

And today I am at work. I am here for the next 3 weeks and then I am off for 2. I hope the time flies!!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I’m in a really bad mood today. I found out yesterday, at about 7PM that our house was being appraised at 10 this morning. We were gone all weekend so the house was a disaster and Hub had already left for work. I stayed up until 12:30 cleaning and dusting. Couple this with an underlying cold and yeah, I’m a freaking peach. I’m trying to get out of my funk though, and this is likely the last time I will post this week, so I figured I would do my cliché “I’m thankful for…” list.

I thought that maybe I‘d take a cue from last year’s list and do something a little bit off again this year. Yes, I am thankful for my kids, and a roof over my head, and being blessed enough to have been able to do some substantial remodeling this year, with the prospect of more to come very soon (upstairs). I am thankful to have had a third child, a decent husband—who loves that he gets to stay home with the kids part time, and that I have a good job. Here though are some of the OTHER things that I am so thankful for.

1. The bright yellow walls of our kitchen that make it seem warm and inviting, even when it’s a messy shithole.
2. That spell check didn’t kick out the word “shithole”
3. That Dunkin’ Donuts has finally learned the meaning of “extra butter”.
4. That the goofy baby doesn’t just smile, but she stretches her face as wide as she can, almost maniacally, to express just how happy she is.
5. And that she fits right in with all of us
6. That Lucy marches to her own beat, even if she is a force of nature, and doesn’t give a damn what anybody thinks.
7. That Bud, in his nearly 5-ness, lets me pick him up and carry him around—even if he is almost up to my shoulders.
8. Those $1 racks at the Target entrance.
9. Ok, Target in general
10. Starbucks Peppermint Mocha Twist
11. My Kitchenaid
12. That when my alarm goes off in the AM, Christmas music is already playing
13. Broccoli Cheddar Soup in our cafeteria
14. Facebook and it’s endless hours of fulfilling my “nosy” requirement
15. Warm baby neck to snuffle
16. I would LIKE TO say Gmail Themes, but I do not have it yet.
17. Mario Kart Wii
18. Sunday morning breakfast
19. cold mornings in bed, buried under blankets AND CATS
20. This Blog

So there you have it, 2008’s Thankful List. What are you thankful for?

Monday, November 24, 2008

A List and a Question

• I am only working 2 days this week, so I feel like I have no business taking time to write. But honestly, I probably won’t do too much work today and tomorrow. Holidays make me lazy. Besides, I have lists to make!
• Per usual, I am not cooking Thanksgiving dinner until Friday. We are going to my mothers on Thanksgiving Day, which is new; I can not remember the last time we spent Thanksgiving with my parents. My mother though, was almost in tears asking my brother, Hub and I to come. So that’s what we’re doing. And I don’t know how it’s going to go because of the way she has been lately. But, we will be there and I will try to stay sane. And I will bring pies.
• My menu for Friday includes turkey, cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes & gravy and creamed corn. For dessert we will have pumpkin, apple and some sort of chocolate pie. With Cool Whip, of course.
• I have a vinyl burn on my back from taking Lucy down the slide at the bounce house yesterday. It hurts like a bitch.
• We had our annual Kiwanis dinner on Saturday and as usual the dinner itself was boring, but the food was great. I was telling Hub how last year, on the Saturday of that same dinner, I had realized there was a chance I could be pregnant. (not the case this year, fo sho)
• Wednesday I am seeing a friend who I have not seen in 6 years. We had a stupid fight just before I got pregnant with Bud. We’ve been emailing again for a year or so. I’m excited. Still not sure what we are going to do. We lead extremely different lives now. It’s weird how tings change.

I’d like to end with a question: What is your one non-negotiable Thanksgiving food? You know, like it wouldn’t be Turkey Day without it? Mine is pumpkin pie WITH Cool Whip. I don’t eat it any other time of the year. Honestly, Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday. If for nothing else than the turkey sandwiches (with mayo and green olives, of course) for days to come.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Ugh. Weaning is a huge bitch. More so than it has ever been before because I was not necessarily ready to do it. It appears that Liv is a bit tongue tied and it’s amazing that she lasted this long, if by lasting, you mean thrashing angrily around while she sucked, spitting and sputtering through at least 50% of her feedings for the last 16 weeks. I tried the pumping route, and sadly the more that I pumped and the less that she nursed, the less milk was coming out. So, I started the process of taking her completely off last Friday and here we are. The 1st few days were so excruciating that I forced her to nurse when she really didn’t want to. The official last time was Sunday morning. With the other 2, weaning was a lot more spread out, so I never experienced any pain. This time though is total suckage in the pain department. But I think I’ve made it through the hardest part and we move on.

Of course, I am dealing with the emotions. I am SO! EMOTIONAL! I know it’s not my fault and it’s not the baby’s fault but I hate that we aren’t doing it. What if she truly is my last baby? What if this was my last chance ever? I feel like this was a colossal FAIL. Like maybe if we both just worked a little bit harder……… But then I know how hard we did both try. And it didn’t work. She got the benefit of breastfeeding for 16 weeks and I should feel good about that. (but I don’t)

The emotions are getting me elsewhere too. I was changing over the picture frames on my desk to put up the kids’ school photos, and I came across these behind the last batch of photos that I had in there:

My babies. And soon I will be wistful for this baby. Wah.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Train of Thought

I was going to make this a post all about birth control. And how I know that I don’t do well with hormones coursing through my system. And how I should have remembered this before even trying the mini-pill and then the Nuva Ring. And how despite the adds about how comfy the ring is, it is SO not (this perhaps has something to do with having pushed out 3 giant heads, but whatev). Instead, I will say that I am giving up on birth control. There was a reason why I abandoned it as soon as Hub and I were married and I will never go back. Why should I continue to put my body through hell. I have had the babies and my body has had enough. Hub can deal with the birth control from now on. And when it comes time, he can get the good old snip. I’m not ready to make that commitment yet, so we’ll do what we did before. ‘Nuff said.

We didn’t have any plans this weekend, but we were ridiculously busy around the house. We finally moved all of our stuff in to the kitchen; you know, the stuff we got for our wedding but haven’t had room for these last 6 years. I organized and got rid of a ton of Tupperware and went through our junk drawer. I used some leftover Tupperware in that drawer to separate things like pens and corn cob holders etc. This was a cue from LoriD and a total penicillin area for us. I feel accomplished and really good about this kitchen. My last project is our small cupboard that I want dedicated to the baby’s food. Right now it is a random mishmash of crap, with formula and bottle liners on the bottom shelf. I’m still working on that one.

You may have noticed that I crapped out on NaBloPoMo and also my 30 Years in 30 Days series. I suck, I know.

I was thinking though, based on my post from Friday that I might start a second blog relating to my becoming healthy. Some of you expressed interest in us possibly motivating each other. Would anyone be interested in posting to this new blog with me? No time commitments or posting requirement or the pressure to say “I weigh xxx lbs”, but just something out there to say we are in this together; we are trying to change for the better? Let me know, ok? I am going to start the blog regardless.

And on that note, I am back to work! I need to try and get out of here early because The Bills play tonight and I don’t want to get stuck in tailgating traffic.

Friday, November 14, 2008

So I went to the doctor yesterday and here is the good news—I’ve lost 5lbs! The bad news is that my clothes still don’t fit. I have been increasingly disgusted with the way that I look lately. Yes, I have had 3 kids. Yes, I have a thyroid disorder and have almost no metabolism. I don’t feel like this is a sufficient excuse for looking this way though; for feeling this way. I’ve been able to deal with the weight gain in the past; but now looking at my face, and how fat it looks, I can’t even deal. Yes, I hate the way I look.

So what do I do about it?

The obvious answer is to exercise and eat better. The obvious problem is that I am ridiculously lazy. I have good intentions of getting up and exercising in the morning. I have good intentions of eating a healthy breakfast. And then, I just don’t. Because the other options are more convenient.

How exactly do I break this cycle?

After Lucy was born, I started going to the gym at 5am, at least 3 days a week. It worked out well and I made good progress. I’ve since cancelled my gym membership because once the nice weather started up again, I stopped going. I told myself “why the hell bother??” since I knew we wanted to have another baby anyway.

What is the convenient and painless way to lose weight? In order for it to work do I need to go all gung ho kamikaze on it?

So here I am faced with the facts:

• I look terrible
• I feel terrible about myself
• I am running out of excuses
• In the past 15 years, I have almost doubled my weight
• If I ran in to someone who I haven’t seen since high school, I would be embarrassed.

It’s apparent that something needs to be done. I need to kick myself in the ass and get moving here. I want to be healthy. I want to look better. I want to feel better about myself. (honestly, I wouldn’t mind being considered a MILF…lol)

I just need to know HOW!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I’m feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. I guess not for any particular reason, but due in part to Hub stating repeatedly that he would like to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement; that he doesn’t want to have another baby. I understand where he’s coming from, really, I do. I’m not even sure that I really want another one. I think that I’m more in love with the idea of one, a warm cuddly baby, sleeping and nursing, and growing. Another warm weight sleeping on my chest for 12-18 months. It’s the idea of another baby for sure, because I am not over the moon when I think of a 4th toddler running around. I think though, that if I knew how Hub felt before, I would have behaved differently during my pregnancy. I would have maybe accepted the suckiness more, since it was the final time. I would have paid attention to all the things that are great about carrying a baby. The glimmer of hope I see in Hub’s eyes though, when I am caught snuggling the baby for a bit too long though, and I say to him half joking “Well, if she’s my last one, I have to make it last”, is a bit too much for me to bear. And so that’s part of the reason why I am down. And why I think I am going to make a 5 year commitment to Mirena tomorrow. Even though the completely irrational part of my brain is screaming “Baybeee!! Baybeee!!!”

I wonder though, if even after a 4th, the desire would go away. Something tells me that it wouldn’t. And every woman at some point has to make her peace with “being done”. I clearly haven’t made my peace yet. So maybe, having the Mirena for 5 years will kill the desire. Maybe the kids will be so grown, at ages 10, 8 and 5 that I will be ok with not going back to the baby stages. Of course thinking of Bud, Lucy and Liv as 10, 8, and 5 makes me just as sad as thinking about never having another. Bud, Lucy and Liv without even a shred of their babyhood left. My sweet babies as grown kids. Kids who won’t want to sleep in my bed, or snuggle on my lap, or even be in the same room as me most of the time.

This is just unacceptable. Can time just stop for a while? Can I maybe remember all of this when I am frustrated because they won’t listen, won’t get dressed or brush their teeth, when they are just being kids? It’s already starting to happen with Bud, who will be 5 in just 6 weeks. 5. My God. Sometimes I feel like I am living his babyhood again, because Liv is just so much like him, and then I look up and see this big kid who is SO not a baby. And it’s like a punch in the gut.

That’s it. Time needs to stop. Otherwise, I just need to keep having babies.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday Free For All

1. Hub has been doing a lot of housework—laundry, dishes, general straightening—on the days that he is home. I feel like maybe I should be motivated to do more when I am home, but I am not. I get home between 6 and 6:30 and try to spend time with each of the kids. And yes, part of the problem is that I let Liv sleep on my chest for a good hour before I put her down, but I can’t help it. By the time I get organized, feed the cats, make bottles and get my pump ready, it’s like 11PM. I’m not about to clean the bathroom that late.
2. Speaking of my pump, I am making more milk. I think that my supply goes down when I have my period but then picks back up again when it’s gone. The proof is in the poop, which was good old breast milk poop this morning. I never thought I’d be so excited about poop. So yes, there is some formula, but not as much as I’d thought. YAY!
3. Of course I will only be able to pump once today because we have an “Appropriate Associate Conduct” seminar (a la The Office) from 3-5 today.
4. For those of you who supported me as I vented elsewhere this week, thank you. I feel a million times better.
5. My aunt is in town from Georgia this weekend and we are all getting together on Sunday for the football game. Everyone is bringing snacks and dips. They will have to roll me out of there. I’m making Hot Pepper Dip, which is oh so yum. I think I’m going to dig out Bud’s Bills shirt for Liv to wear. Even though The Bills have been sucking it up hardcore lately.
6. I’m kind of jealous of Kristin… who is meeting up with some fellow bloggers this weekend and is calling it Blogvention 2008. I want to have my own Blogvention! Some of us live pretty close to each other actually. Some of us live a little farther out, but still within hours. Why couldn’t we have a blogvention? Just putting it out there.
7. Ending with a few Halloween Pictures:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

30 Years in 30 Days--1983

I went to kindergarten this year, something that I had been dying to do forever. We lived next door to the catholic school I went to, and always saw the kids outside playing. Sadly, my papa died in May, giving me my very 1st experience with death. The space shuttle Challenger made its 1st voyage in to space carrying Sally Ride. Compact discs debuted and the last episode of M.A.S.H aired. The Big Chill was a big movie that year. Fun Fact, I’ve been told that I look like Meg Tilly in The Big Chill on several occasions. I don’t see it, but what do you think?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

30 Years in 30 Days--1982

I turned 4 this year and my grandfather, Papa, got very sick. He was in and out of the hospital. I shoplifted for the first (ok, only) time taking a package of gumdrops from our local drug store. Michael Jackson released “Thriller”. I had the record “The Chipmunks Sing ‘Thriller’” where The Chipmunks sand the entire album. John Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

and then....

Contrary to popular belief, I am actually posting this month, other than my NaBloPoMo stuff. Here are just some of the things I have going on:

1. Bud had his recital and we trick or treated on Friday. Fun was had by all and no, I have not yet uploaded photos. I will though. Minnie Mouse, Cinderella and Bumblebee were super cute.
2. Bud is not doing well without wearing a pull up at night. I am at a loss as to what to do—the theory was to give him 2 weeks of sleeping in pee soaked clothes and he would train himself to get up—because who wants to sleep in a cold, wet bed. Apparently, he does. Nothing wakes this kid up. Then, this morning, he was staring off in to space in the living room as I was telling him to get his wet clothes off. He looks at me and tells me he was just finishing peeing. He wasn’t still asleep or anything like that; he blatantly peed in his already wet clothes. Hub talked to the doctor today, since the big kids had their flu shots, and she told him we were doing the right thing and to let it keep going and by no means should we put him back in pull ups. I’m tired of washing sheets though, that is for sure. I am at a loss.
3. Liv laughs all the time. It is the greatest sound in the world.
4. When I asked Lucy today why she kept growing; why sh wasn’t my baby anymore she told me it was because she needed to grow big and be a mom. She can’t wait to be a mom just like me. And it warms my heart.
5. I VOTED!!
6. I need to get something off of my chest but I’m not sure that I want to write about it. I’m having a really hard time right now, not knowing how to deal with a certain situation. I’m struggling. This is a situation that used to affect my life on a daily basis, that has recently reared it’s ugly head again. And while it has far less of an impact on me now, I am aware of this “situation” and am being worn down by it. (Cryptic much???) I don’t know. I probably just need to write about it and be done with it, and feel better. It’s tough. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
7. And now I’m going home!

30 Years in 30 Days--1981

My parents bought their first house this year, and for good reason. I was no longer an only child! My brother M was born in August and I was thrilled. I spent my days home with my mother and him having a grand time. My great uncle bought me a plastic slide that we kept in our family room, which gave me countless hours of enjoyment. I loved to watch The Muppet Show on Friday nights. MTV began broadcasting this year, and Ronald Regan took office.

Monday, November 3, 2008

30 Years in 30 Days--1980

As I began to turn in to an actual person, as opposed to a baby, my preferences toward people were clear. For whatever reason I was terrified of certain aunts and uncles. My mother’s father though, my Papa, was my very best friend. I was the only grandchild on that side of the family at the time, and our bond was amazing—so amazing that I remember it even now, 28 years later. I finally had some hair and my mother took great joy in putting as many barrettes as she could cram in to my hair. This year marked the beginning of the greatest decade in music history, in my opinion. John Lennon was killed this year, Kramer Vs. Kramer won The Academy Award for Best Picture, and Ted Turner launched CNN.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

30 Years in 30 Days--1979

My family had a longstanding tradition of placing a shot glass, a rosary or money in front of a child on their first birthday to see if they would be a drunk, rich or clergy. All three of these were placed on my high chair tray when I turned one in 1979. I chose the rosary, not because I was pious, but because I just loved my Gramma’s beads. This was the year my milk allergy went full blown and my diet was changed to include a whole lot of soy milk (and it wasn’t anything like what it is today). I was still bald as a cue ball and remained so until just before I turned 2. My vocabulary improved to include repeating anything and everything that I heard. My mother’s favorite quote: “This fucking rabbit!” When my rabbit jack in the box would not work properly. John Wayne and Nelson Rockefeller died this year.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

30 Years in 30 Days--1978

I was born October 14, 1978 in Buffalo, NY. Jimmy Carter was the president and Sony introduced the first walkman. To this day, my mother tells stories of how my uncles, who were 16 and 18 at the time, were waiting for my father and her to come home with me, smoking cigars in their living room. I did not ride home in a car seat, but on my mother’s lap. On their way home, they heard Stevie Wonder singing “Isn’t She Lovely”. This has always been my song (and my father and I danced to it at my wedding). My mother says I began speaking in full sentences when I was 10 months old. Judging by the way my own children speak, I believe her.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Sweet Baby Girl

Today, my darling girl turned 3 months old. It's odd, how even though I've done this twice before, I am surprised at how quickly the time flies. She is an excellent baby, as far as babies go.

She completely goes with our flow; she does whatever it is we do, from Tae Kwon Do to pumpkin picking (even though she sleeps through a lot of it).

She laughs all the time now, and coos and giggles. She loves to blow bubbles:

She loves to stand:

And just be all around cute:

I love sitting with her at night after the big kids have gone to bed. She "talks" to me for a good half hour before she eats and goes to sleep for the night. She doesn't even mind when I call her Hannie Fannie Banannie.

It's been a happy happy 3 months baby girl. I love you!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I hate this time of year; when it starts getting cold and dark. It is dark when I get up in the morning and dark as I drive home from work. I feel cold and lethargic; depressed almost. I hurry to turn on every light in the house in the early evening, hoping that the bright lights will bring me out of my funk. Sometimes, it even works.

I think that I’ll be spending a lot of time in my kitchen this winter. After 6+ months of work, it is finally nearing completion; just needing the new floor, trim, and backsplash. This past weekend, as I overhauled our bedroom, Hub painted it a delicious shade of yellow. It is a Martha Stewart shade called “Sewing Basket”. It looks kind of muted here, but against the blue speckled counters and bright white cupboards and wainscot, it pops.

(the only color I've used from this swatch is the sewing basket--the rest of the kitchen is bright blue and white)

I have never been so in love with a room before, and let me tell you, I am head over heels for our new and improved kitchen. I’ll take a photo for you soon, I promise.

With all of the painting and cleaning going on over the weekend, we never actually carved pumpkins, so we are doing that tonight when I get home. Hopefully, the baby will cooperate. She has been an absolute beast in the evenings because she refuses to sleep during the day. Yesterday she was so tired that she cried herself to sleep in about 2 minutes while I was making her bottle. She never ate, and slept until 7:30 this morning, when she was ravenous. She’s being good for Hub so far, but I do hope she sleeps a little bit since he worked late last night.

I’m looking forward to the festivities this week will bring. I took Friday off since the kids have a Halloween parade at school, and the big kids are having parties, Bud’s class is putting on a little recital (the are singing Thriller), and then we need to cram some dinner in to them before we head out for trick or treating. Our street still isn’t done, so I’m not sure how this will all go, but the kids are excited anyway. My parents are going to come out as well, as long as the weather is good.

Before we know it, it will be Thanksgiving and Christmas, and Bud will be turning 5. !!5!! I’m stressing out already.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Free For All- MEME

I was not tagged for this one, but STOLE it for something to do.

10 years ago I was:
1. 20 years old
2. living in our basement apartment
3. going to community college
4. working 3 jobs
5. having an all around great time

5 things on today’s to-do list:
1. Work. I have a ton to do.
2. Figure out some banking information
3. Get something for lunch
4. Clean up my desk.
5. Pizza night with Hub and the kids

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. chips and Bison dip
2. Oreos dunked in coffee
3. green peppers in my mom’s cheese dip
4. fresh baked brownies
5. peanut butter chocolate chip cookies

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire (or billionaire):
1. Get the best education for my kids that was available
2. travel the world
3. buy a great house with a super kitchen
4. quit my job and have more kids
5. (then) get my boobs lifted and tummy tucked

5 places I have lived:
1. Buffalo, NY with my Parents
2. Lockport, NY with my Parents
3. Lockport, NY with Hub
4. Where we live now
5. n/a

5 jobs I have had:
1. Trainer-Boston Market
2. Manager-Blockbuster Video
3. Sales Associate-Frederick’s of Hollywood (oooh laaa laaa!!)
4. Escalations Manager
5. Mommy

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Today was the perfect kind of morning, not so cold out that the house was an ice box, but cool enough where it was perfect to snuggle down with the baby on the couch, under a fleecy blanket while I nursed her. The cats flanked us on both sides with their loud “good morning” purrs and I laid my head back and relaxed, stealing a few more minutes of sleep before the day actually began.

I love the calm of morning in our house, though it usually turns to chaos pretty quickly. It seems like I have all the time in the world and then suddenly I have 30 minutes to shower and dress, dress and feed the kids, pack bags for the day and then run out the door. Then, OH NO!! I need gas, or I’ve forgotten my coffee. Hub wooed me this morning with talk of a pumpkin muffin, which he’d left in his van for me so I didn’t eat. I was so excited……then when I left the house I realized he’d parked around the corner because our street is still under construction. I didn’t have time to walk to and from his van and back in the house still to drop off his keys IN HEELS, so I threw his keys back in the house in a fit and headed off to work. I arrived 5 minutes late after stopping for a bagel and filling my $.99 refill cup at Dunkin.

Five minutes late is kind of my story. It seems that no matter how much I prepare, no matter how much I do the night before, I am always running 5 minutes behind. Something crazy comes up, or my brain has crapped out and I’ve forgotten something really important—like that the baby is out of diapers. Sometimes I just spend too much time lollygagging with the kids; stealing one last kiss or sniffing one last head. Maybe I’m sharing a story with Hub, or more likely doling out instructions for his days home with them.

Last night, upon returning home from Target, I sat with Bud and Lucy at the dinner table to make a chart to track Bud’s night time potty progress. (We are working on it again) We had the glitter, markers paint and stickers out and set to work on our project. We made Lucy a chart as well, because she wanted one not because she needs one for anything, and she sat coloring and filling it up with stickers. Bud wrote his last name in huge letters and selected stickers to put in the squares for the days that had already passed. Liv sat in the bouncy, giggling and watching us all. For a minute I thought “Could I do this? Could I do this every day with them?” and for the first time since becoming a parent, I had the twinge of “I’d really love to stay home with them.”

It’s not realistic, and besides, Bud and Lucy are nearly school aged. I don’t know how I’d feel about giving Liv and any future child(ren) and opportunity that Bud and Lucy didn’t have, to be home with me full time…and there’s also the financial impact to consider. And health insurance and so many other things.

It will probably never happen, but it’s nice to think about.

And it wouldn’t even matter if I was running 5 minutes behind.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


It’s snowing today, which means that all of Western New York has forgotten how to drive. It also means that I was hunting for winter coats and the car seat cover at T-Minus 30 seconds this morning. Of course, I was late to work. Hub thought I was overreacting; that the kids would be fine in their sweatshirts. For the love of God, it is SNOWING.

I also remembered this morning that I donated my winter coat at the end of last season—because I hated it. I went to Kohls on my lunch break today because I had giftcards and birthday money; I found a good one.

I’ve been on the phone with my OB/GYN every day this week so far, to discuss birth control. I was going to have the Mirena placed, however, completely chickened out. The instances are like 1 in 10,000 women, but I can’t take the chance of uterine puncture or something going wrong and needing a hysterectomy. I’m being silly, I know. I was wishy washy about BC after Lucy was born as well and ended up not using anything. I don’t want to go that route again for sure, but I don’t know what I feel like doing. I have never had any issues with the pill, so that’s a good option. The dr. also suggested Implanon, which seems pretty good and it also doesn’t interfere with breast feeding. We’ll see though.

My milk supply has gone down as it is, due in part to returning to work and secondly to getting my period. It typically does go down based on these 2 events, but I have never gotten my period so soon before. This is actually the second time, and Liv just turned 12 weeks old. A bunch of garbage if you ask me. Based on these events though, I had to buy a can of formula yesterday, which was really like a punch in the gut. Liv takes 3 5-ounce bottles when I am at work and I have only been pumping about 9 ounces for the last week or so. I’ve depleted my freezer supply, so yesterday, there we were. I’m ok with it; giving her as much breast milk as I can and then doing the supplementing, but I wish it would have been a longer road. I’m lucky that my thyroid issues haven’t prevented me from nursing all together according to the lactation consultant I spoke to.

Since she was about 8 weeks old, coinciding with me going back to work, we’ve given her a bottle of formula at bed time; the regular Enfamil though, after she nurses. We’ve noticed more and more that it’s left her gassy and a bit “moody”, so yesterday I bought the Enfamil Gentlease which has 1/5 of the lactose and is partially broken down. She still spit up a bit last night but seemed a bit calmer when I laid her down. I’m hoping that she just has a sensitive stomach and will not be following in my childhood milk allergy footsteps. We’ll continue to watch her and see if this helps.

Hmm, any other women’s issues I need to bring up today? Nope. Other than the fact that I am still 30. Here are some photos from my party:

The Beautiful Lucy

Hub and ME

My Brother M and Liv

SIL and Liv

Bud and Me

Dad and Lucy

Mom and Bud

My Brothers and Me

Me and my baby brother

Hub and Balloons (FIL next to him)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Autumn Through The Years

Every Columbus Day Weekend, we travel to Letchworth State Park, which is a gigantic park set around a gorge. The scenery is breathtaking. We never know what the weather will have in store for us---snow, rain, extreme heat, but we go no matter what. In 2005 we began taking photos near Wolf Creek on a set of stone stairs. We found ourselves there again in 2006 and took another set of photos—one of which actually was our Christmas card that year. It has become a tradition now, and will be for as long as we can keep it up.

These are the photos since 2005—some of you may have seen them before—but here they are anyway: