Dear Dunkin Donuts-
I think it’s pretty crappy that I even need to order extra butter on my bagel in order for it not to be half dry. Even crappier though, is that you charge me $.15 for the extra butter and the damn bagel still has dry spots. You need a better system.
Dear The Children’s Place-
You need a better website. I am trying to spend money on your merchandise, and you don’t let me because your site consistently crashes. In addition, please stop allowing me to add items to my cart just to immediately take them away and tell me they are out of stock.
Dear Stride Gum-
Actually, you are pretty awesome. Your long lasting flavor is a bright spot in my day.
Dear Workplace Vending-
I think it is complete crap that you have removed all peanut butter items. Especially when I am totally dying for a peanut butter Twix. I know the risks! I’m a grown-up! Not to mention the fact that these candy bars are so damn old, I’m pretty sure they aren’t tainted.
Please do not ever make me explain to you again that it is inappropriate to slather your body (including your lady parts—le sigh) in the Chap Stick you received for Christmas. Please also stop telling me that Santa is mad at ME for taking away your Christmas gift. Santa is MAD AT YOU dammit!!.
Dear The Barfing Flu-
I realize that you have hit every baby in Liv’s class. Please stay away, because the thought of a 3 child barf-a-thon is probably the least appealing thing I can imagine.
You are giving me a good reason to get knocked up again. I HATE YOU.