Dark

Well, the air has finally changed, you can feel the crispness of it now. Most of the leaves have been blown from the trees and everything suddenly seems so grey and bare. It is pitch black when I wake in the morning, and next week, when we change the clocks, it will be the same way when I’m driving home from work. In spite of just finishing all of our favorite fall activities, and all the holiday cheer that will spew forth in the coming months, this time of year, when there is so much darkness always leaves me cold, dark and anxious. I hate driving to and from work in the dark. I hate where my mind goes in the darkness. I hate that I’m already feeling the pre-darkness dread.

I wish there was a way to get on top of it, but there never is. I wish I could just shut my brain off, but I can’t. I try to drown things out with songs on the radio, but something always triggers it and my mind wanders.

Isn’t it weird how much we rely on the sunlight?

The last week or so, I’ve been making soups and dinners to put in the freezer. I’ve been cleaning up my downstairs area so I can focus on eBay-ing. I’m trying to get ready; to have additional focus—I don’t really care about TV anymore and there’s only so much to do on the computer at night. This issue could be remedied if I were able to work at home. The car, alone in the dark, is the problem. I should push harder for that.

The holiday toy books came this weekend. The kids are ridiculously excited for Christmas. And there will be Thanksgiving, and cutting our Christmas tree, and cookies and so much joy. And the days will start getting longer before we know it. The new year will come, and the light will come back.

I just need to get through the darkness first.