So, the baby will be 2 in just over a month, which basically renders her not a baby anymore. I’m at a loss as to what to do with this development. When Lucy turned 2, I knew for certain there were more children on the horizon, so it was easy to take. I became pregnant a few months after her second birthday.
I’ve felt kind of like “now what!?” for the better part of the last 2 weeks as it has really hit me that soon my baby will be 2. I really just don’t know. Hub is pretty firmly in the no more kids camp. Some days I am there too, but others, like today when I saw a hugely pregnant woman in Target, I swoon. *I* want to be hugely pregnant and feel a baby rolling around in there one more time. *I* want to snuggle on the couch with a teeny baby who is mine all mine. In so many ways I am not ready for the childbearing part of my life to be over with. It doesn’t seem right.
But in other ways, I am so good with what we have. The big kids are so self sufficient now; Bud can (aside from getting the water to the right temperature) take his entire shower on his own. He can get a stool and pour himself (or his sisters) a drink. Lucy isn’t too far behind. Liv has slept through the night for a few months now. We’ve finally gotten her off the bottle. She knows how to work the TV and the remote! They are all so big! In a few weeks, we will be down to one child in daycare for the first time in 5 years. That is a great feeling.
And I’ve really enjoyed Liv as “my baby”. I mean really—I think I have done a better job of that with her than with the other 2. So, what exactly is my problem?
I’m not eager to have morning sickness, sciatica, varicose veins or to go through labor. I’m not eager to have sore cracked nipples. I’m not eager to spend sleepless night after sleepless night. I’m not eager to spend my days calming a fussy baby. Or to start the whole daycare routine over again. To go through the struggle of leaving to go to work when I’d rather be home. Honestly, none of it sounds appealing.
But still, there is this voice going “baby….baby….baby” (It’s not Justin Bieber) Will it ever go away. Even if I had 4 more babies…would it be gone?
Last week I attempted to barter with Hub for one more baby. I won’t tell you what I offered him, but he was willing to work out the details. Later that day though, while sitting at Kindergarten graduation, Liv was a terror; the screaming, throwing herself on the floor obnoxious terror that only a 2-year-old can be, and Hub looked at me. “Do you really want one more of these?”, he asked.
I don’t think I do.