So, the baby will be 2 in just over a month, which basically renders her not a baby anymore. I’m at a loss as to what to do with this development. When Lucy turned 2, I knew for certain there were more children on the horizon, so it was easy to take. I became pregnant a few months after her second birthday.
I’ve felt kind of like “now what!?” for the better part of the last 2 weeks as it has really hit me that soon my baby will be 2. I really just don’t know. Hub is pretty firmly in the no more kids camp. Some days I am there too, but others, like today when I saw a hugely pregnant woman in Target, I swoon. *I* want to be hugely pregnant and feel a baby rolling around in there one more time. *I* want to snuggle on the couch with a teeny baby who is mine all mine. In so many ways I am not ready for the childbearing part of my life to be over with. It doesn’t seem right.
But in other ways, I am so good with what we have. The big kids are so self sufficient now; Bud can (aside from getting the water to the right temperature) take his entire shower on his own. He can get a stool and pour himself (or his sisters) a drink. Lucy isn’t too far behind. Liv has slept through the night for a few months now. We’ve finally gotten her off the bottle. She knows how to work the TV and the remote! They are all so big! In a few weeks, we will be down to one child in daycare for the first time in 5 years. That is a great feeling.
And I’ve really enjoyed Liv as “my baby”. I mean really—I think I have done a better job of that with her than with the other 2. So, what exactly is my problem?
I’m not eager to have morning sickness, sciatica, varicose veins or to go through labor. I’m not eager to have sore cracked nipples. I’m not eager to spend sleepless night after sleepless night. I’m not eager to spend my days calming a fussy baby. Or to start the whole daycare routine over again. To go through the struggle of leaving to go to work when I’d rather be home. Honestly, none of it sounds appealing.
But still, there is this voice going “baby….baby….baby” (It’s not Justin Bieber) Will it ever go away. Even if I had 4 more babies…would it be gone?
Last week I attempted to barter with Hub for one more baby. I won’t tell you what I offered him, but he was willing to work out the details. Later that day though, while sitting at Kindergarten graduation, Liv was a terror; the screaming, throwing herself on the floor obnoxious terror that only a 2-year-old can be, and Hub looked at me. “Do you really want one more of these?”, he asked.
I don’t think I do.
Today anyway.
7 comments:
I'm so curious what your barter was! hahaha... I recently offered my husband a pretty significant deal but he refused to take it. And as much as I want another BABY I really don't want another bratty KID haha. It is so nice to be out of that though. Not that it makes it not worth it, just something that we can find the silver lining in. No more obsessing about vaccinations, naps, baby gear. Never again will I spend another holiday sequestered in someone's bedroom nursing a baby while missing all the fun everyone, including my kids, is having in the other room. And we can just skip away with glee from the sucker we conned into watching them, and not really obsess too much while we're gone.
That is what I wonder too... does that voice ever go away? I mean I have the voice right now but for my first child, which is a different thing. But could you have 20 kids and still have an inner voice screaming for more? How do we know?
I was 99% sure we were only having one kid. But the more I see tiny babies lately, the more I begin to feel like we should have one more. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away.
This is like that scene in Father of the Bride 2 where there's an angelic kid on one side of the street and a bratty one on the other. Heh.
I don't know if the voice DOES ever go away, before a certain age/hormonal status. That's biology for ya. Wamp wamp.
Oh, I HEAR YOU! I hear you SO LOUD AND CLEAR! Sometimes I am really GLAD that my youngest is three and we are saying goodbye to certain elements of the early days, and that even if Paul weren't set against it I don't think I'd want any more kids. And sometimes I think this CAN'T be over, and that if Paul changed his mind I wouldn't think twice.
(I offered Paul $3,000, which is all the My Own Money I have. He declined. Perhaps I should have offered services instead of payment.)
Welp, I am hugely pregnant and feel the little baby rolling around in my tummy, and right now, I am so glad that this is my last one. That we are moving from this phase. Sure, there will be two mortal years of nursing and diapers and sleepless nights. But only two more years! And then, we will do something else. I don't know what it looks like yet, but I am excited for it.
Such a hard decision. I'm glad we're not there yet. I don't know what I'll do when we get there. I have a feeling that Matt will just be done sometime, but I know I want more kids than him. Honestly, it's been hard enough for us to have kids, that even one more would be fine with me. I'll definitely treat my next pregnancy (come on, I need to get pregnant like NOW) like it's possibly my last. Because I think I would be extremely lucky to get pregnant again as it is.
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