Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Missing (?)

Do you ever feel like something is missing?

Hub and I have all but permanently decided that we are done expanding our family. We are more than 3 years past having a newborn. This is the longest I have not been pregnant since we started having kids. We have 2 more years of pre-school before all of the children will be in (free) school. We have a great family dynamic. I am honestly and truly ok with our decision to be done now. As much as I love to snuggle a newborn baby, I am ok with my time of middle of the night feedings and diapers and having to pay attention to someone every last second of the day being O-V-E-R. I like the independence that has come with having older kids. I like it a lot, actually.

A few months ago I had a dream. I was very pregnant. We were expecting twin boys. The kids were a bit older, but everything in the dream was much as it is now. We were happy, with 2 of everything lined up just so, just waiting for our boys to join us. I’ve had dreams about being pregnant before, dreams that have stuck me with a brief feeling of longing, dreams that have made me wonder if we’ve made the wrong decision…but the feelings are always fleeting. Always. This time though has been different.

Hard as I try, I cannot shake the feeling that regardless of not necessarily wanting to have another baby that I am supposed to get pregnant again. I am supposed to have (at least)another baby. I am supposed to be someone else’s Mama. And I don’t really know what to do with this nagging feeling. I don’t know why it won’t go away even though I am mostly in the camp of no more babies.

Is my head messing with me? Are my hormones messing with me? Am I being spoken to from a higher power? That is the thing. I have no idea. No idea at all about any of this. I thought that maybe typing it out would help me make sense of it, but…not so much.

How about you? Do you ever have a feeling about how things are supposed to be, compared to how they actually are, or how you want them to be?

7 comments:

The Kellys said...

I go back and forth on this feeling almost weekly. I guess building a house with only 3 bedrooms will fix that! :)

d e v a n said...

Ooh, that's a tough one! I think only you can answer it for yourself. ((hug))

Misty said...

I am pretty sure we are done. Since I had kids so young, I am focusing on some kid-free years before I get old and decrepit. Whatever gets you through, right?

And I have no idea what makes us gals go through this mental anguish. My aunt says it is partially men being more involved in raising children now. Before it was all a woman's decision because it was all her job, basically. Now there is another person to take into account. I think she might have a point.

Doing My Best said...

Ugh! I still have this problem too. I don't dare get pregnant again, Husband has had THE PROCEDURE, but I still feel like someone is missing every time I count heads to make sure we're all here. Good luck!

Mrs. Irritation said...

What does your husband think about this feeling?

I have known since before we had a kid that we would only have one. This hasn't changed but about a year I began dreaming that I was pregnant. In every dream I had a boy and I just knew that's how it was supposed to be. In my waking life I began to convince myself perhaps we should try again. Life happened and we never did try, eventually the dreams faded and I haven't thought about them until I read this post. I blame my feelings on hormones, I don't feel the same anymore, but that doesn't mean it's true for you.

SeeQuin2 said...

Yes, I blame the procreational "be fruitful and multiply" hormones in the brain. I could never really let it go. Even when I was actually OK that we were done--when I knew it was the BEST THING that we were done.

(But...hahahahaha!--sometimes God has a sense of humor, no?)

Nik-Nak said...

I keep having this strong baby fever feeling come over me. We do want more children but now is not the time for us. It kills me that I know it's not right but that feeling is just tugging away.

I wish I knew how to squash it.