I set the alarm for 5:30 this morning, but the baby started fussing at about 5:12. I shoved the pacifier in her mouth, holding her over until 5:23, when I plucked her, screaming and hungry from her bed. She ate lazily, as always, and barely woke up when I changed her diaper, but did latch back on and eat a bit more before I put her in the swing so I could shower. By the time I was out, the clock was nearing 7:30 and it was time to get the big kids up and fed. They were cooperative enough, and we only got out of here about 5 minutes after I had planned.
Today was Olivia's first day at daycare.
You wouldn't think that there would be a ton of anxiety, considering she is my third child, but it was no easier for me than it ever was. She has been with me every waking moment since her conception last November, save for a few runs to the store or to take the kids to school. And today, I was to hand her over to someone else. And come home, no less, since we had to start her this week or forfiet her spot and I don't go back to work Monday.
"It will be great!", I thought, "I can get used to leaving her without the pressures of work." It wasn't great. I kept it together though and didn't cry as I went through th instructions with her caregiver, who is the mother of one of Lucy's classmates, and her assistant, Lupe, who seemed nice enough--but I'm not so sure she speaks much english.
I was fine. I stopped and got a coffee and came home to work on some paperwork for Hub, pump, and take a nap.
I was fine.
Until I realized that in all of my explaining, I didn't kiss the baby goodbye. I handed her off, talked a bunch, and left. So here I am typing, in tears, fighting every urge to go back up there just to kiss my baby girl goodbye. She wasn't going to realize I was gone anyway, but how could I forget?
So much for thinking that this would be easier. It actually kind of sucks. A lot.
She, Lucy and I are spending tomorrow with my best girlfriend, her 3-year old daughter and her 4-month old daughter. It will be a nice break until I take her back on Friday. And tonight, I don't plan on putting her down. I need my fill of her soft baby face and smell. I feel like I need to suck it all in; that she might somehow lose it while I'm not with her.
It's funny, isn't it, that a few short months ago I was wondering what she would do to our lives? Our dynamic? How we would love her as much as Bud and Lucy? And now, away from her for the first time, those feelings are foreign. It's like she has always been here and we've always loved her.
In any case, I sure do miss her. And I'm glad I can pipe in and watch her all day on the computer. It's clear that I am getting no work done today, right?