Thankful

I’m in a really bad mood today. I found out yesterday, at about 7PM that our house was being appraised at 10 this morning. We were gone all weekend so the house was a disaster and Hub had already left for work. I stayed up until 12:30 cleaning and dusting. Couple this with an underlying cold and yeah, I’m a freaking peach. I’m trying to get out of my funk though, and this is likely the last time I will post this week, so I figured I would do my cliché “I’m thankful for…” list.

I thought that maybe I‘d take a cue from last year’s list and do something a little bit off again this year. Yes, I am thankful for my kids, and a roof over my head, and being blessed enough to have been able to do some substantial remodeling this year, with the prospect of more to come very soon (upstairs). I am thankful to have had a third child, a decent husband—who loves that he gets to stay home with the kids part time, and that I have a good job. Here though are some of the OTHER things that I am so thankful for.

1. The bright yellow walls of our kitchen that make it seem warm and inviting, even when it’s a messy shithole.
2. That spell check didn’t kick out the word “shithole”
3. That Dunkin’ Donuts has finally learned the meaning of “extra butter”.
4. That the goofy baby doesn’t just smile, but she stretches her face as wide as she can, almost maniacally, to express just how happy she is.
5. And that she fits right in with all of us
6. That Lucy marches to her own beat, even if she is a force of nature, and doesn’t give a damn what anybody thinks.
7. That Bud, in his nearly 5-ness, lets me pick him up and carry him around—even if he is almost up to my shoulders.
8. Those $1 racks at the Target entrance.
9. Ok, Target in general
10. Starbucks Peppermint Mocha Twist
11. My Kitchenaid
12. That when my alarm goes off in the AM, Christmas music is already playing
13. Broccoli Cheddar Soup in our cafeteria
14. Facebook and it’s endless hours of fulfilling my “nosy” requirement
15. Warm baby neck to snuffle
16. I would LIKE TO say Gmail Themes, but I do not have it yet.
17. Mario Kart Wii
18. Sunday morning breakfast
19. cold mornings in bed, buried under blankets AND CATS
20. This Blog

So there you have it, 2008’s Thankful List. What are you thankful for?

A List and a Question

• I am only working 2 days this week, so I feel like I have no business taking time to write. But honestly, I probably won’t do too much work today and tomorrow. Holidays make me lazy. Besides, I have lists to make!
• Per usual, I am not cooking Thanksgiving dinner until Friday. We are going to my mothers on Thanksgiving Day, which is new; I can not remember the last time we spent Thanksgiving with my parents. My mother though, was almost in tears asking my brother, Hub and I to come. So that’s what we’re doing. And I don’t know how it’s going to go because of the way she has been lately. But, we will be there and I will try to stay sane. And I will bring pies.
• My menu for Friday includes turkey, cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes & gravy and creamed corn. For dessert we will have pumpkin, apple and some sort of chocolate pie. With Cool Whip, of course.
• I have a vinyl burn on my back from taking Lucy down the slide at the bounce house yesterday. It hurts like a bitch.
• We had our annual Kiwanis dinner on Saturday and as usual the dinner itself was boring, but the food was great. I was telling Hub how last year, on the Saturday of that same dinner, I had realized there was a chance I could be pregnant. (not the case this year, fo sho)
• Wednesday I am seeing a friend who I have not seen in 6 years. We had a stupid fight just before I got pregnant with Bud. We’ve been emailing again for a year or so. I’m excited. Still not sure what we are going to do. We lead extremely different lives now. It’s weird how tings change.

I’d like to end with a question: What is your one non-negotiable Thanksgiving food? You know, like it wouldn’t be Turkey Day without it? Mine is pumpkin pie WITH Cool Whip. I don’t eat it any other time of the year. Honestly, Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday. If for nothing else than the turkey sandwiches (with mayo and green olives, of course) for days to come.

F A I L

Ugh. Weaning is a huge bitch. More so than it has ever been before because I was not necessarily ready to do it. It appears that Liv is a bit tongue tied and it’s amazing that she lasted this long, if by lasting, you mean thrashing angrily around while she sucked, spitting and sputtering through at least 50% of her feedings for the last 16 weeks. I tried the pumping route, and sadly the more that I pumped and the less that she nursed, the less milk was coming out. So, I started the process of taking her completely off last Friday and here we are. The 1st few days were so excruciating that I forced her to nurse when she really didn’t want to. The official last time was Sunday morning. With the other 2, weaning was a lot more spread out, so I never experienced any pain. This time though is total suckage in the pain department. But I think I’ve made it through the hardest part and we move on.

Of course, I am dealing with the emotions. I am SO! EMOTIONAL! I know it’s not my fault and it’s not the baby’s fault but I hate that we aren’t doing it. What if she truly is my last baby? What if this was my last chance ever? I feel like this was a colossal FAIL. Like maybe if we both just worked a little bit harder……… But then I know how hard we did both try. And it didn’t work. She got the benefit of breastfeeding for 16 weeks and I should feel good about that. (but I don’t)

The emotions are getting me elsewhere too. I was changing over the picture frames on my desk to put up the kids’ school photos, and I came across these behind the last batch of photos that I had in there:











My babies. And soon I will be wistful for this baby. Wah.

Train of Thought

I was going to make this a post all about birth control. And how I know that I don’t do well with hormones coursing through my system. And how I should have remembered this before even trying the mini-pill and then the Nuva Ring. And how despite the adds about how comfy the ring is, it is SO not (this perhaps has something to do with having pushed out 3 giant heads, but whatev). Instead, I will say that I am giving up on birth control. There was a reason why I abandoned it as soon as Hub and I were married and I will never go back. Why should I continue to put my body through hell. I have had the babies and my body has had enough. Hub can deal with the birth control from now on. And when it comes time, he can get the good old snip. I’m not ready to make that commitment yet, so we’ll do what we did before. ‘Nuff said.

We didn’t have any plans this weekend, but we were ridiculously busy around the house. We finally moved all of our stuff in to the kitchen; you know, the stuff we got for our wedding but haven’t had room for these last 6 years. I organized and got rid of a ton of Tupperware and went through our junk drawer. I used some leftover Tupperware in that drawer to separate things like pens and corn cob holders etc. This was a cue from LoriD and a total penicillin area for us. I feel accomplished and really good about this kitchen. My last project is our small cupboard that I want dedicated to the baby’s food. Right now it is a random mishmash of crap, with formula and bottle liners on the bottom shelf. I’m still working on that one.

You may have noticed that I crapped out on NaBloPoMo and also my 30 Years in 30 Days series. I suck, I know.

I was thinking though, based on my post from Friday that I might start a second blog relating to my becoming healthy. Some of you expressed interest in us possibly motivating each other. Would anyone be interested in posting to this new blog with me? No time commitments or posting requirement or the pressure to say “I weigh xxx lbs”, but just something out there to say we are in this together; we are trying to change for the better? Let me know, ok? I am going to start the blog regardless.

And on that note, I am back to work! I need to try and get out of here early because The Bills play tonight and I don’t want to get stuck in tailgating traffic.

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Irrational

I’m feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. I guess not for any particular reason, but due in part to Hub stating repeatedly that he would like to get rid of all the baby stuff in the basement; that he doesn’t want to have another baby. I understand where he’s coming from, really, I do. I’m not even sure that I really want another one. I think that I’m more in love with the idea of one, a warm cuddly baby, sleeping and nursing, and growing. Another warm weight sleeping on my chest for 12-18 months. It’s the idea of another baby for sure, because I am not over the moon when I think of a 4th toddler running around. I think though, that if I knew how Hub felt before, I would have behaved differently during my pregnancy. I would have maybe accepted the suckiness more, since it was the final time. I would have paid attention to all the things that are great about carrying a baby. The glimmer of hope I see in Hub’s eyes though, when I am caught snuggling the baby for a bit too long though, and I say to him half joking “Well, if she’s my last one, I have to make it last”, is a bit too much for me to bear. And so that’s part of the reason why I am down. And why I think I am going to make a 5 year commitment to Mirena tomorrow. Even though the completely irrational part of my brain is screaming “Baybeee!! Baybeee!!!”

I wonder though, if even after a 4th, the desire would go away. Something tells me that it wouldn’t. And every woman at some point has to make her peace with “being done”. I clearly haven’t made my peace yet. So maybe, having the Mirena for 5 years will kill the desire. Maybe the kids will be so grown, at ages 10, 8 and 5 that I will be ok with not going back to the baby stages. Of course thinking of Bud, Lucy and Liv as 10, 8, and 5 makes me just as sad as thinking about never having another. Bud, Lucy and Liv without even a shred of their babyhood left. My sweet babies as grown kids. Kids who won’t want to sleep in my bed, or snuggle on my lap, or even be in the same room as me most of the time.

This is just unacceptable. Can time just stop for a while? Can I maybe remember all of this when I am frustrated because they won’t listen, won’t get dressed or brush their teeth, when they are just being kids? It’s already starting to happen with Bud, who will be 5 in just 6 weeks. 5. My God. Sometimes I feel like I am living his babyhood again, because Liv is just so much like him, and then I look up and see this big kid who is SO not a baby. And it’s like a punch in the gut.

That’s it. Time needs to stop. Otherwise, I just need to keep having babies.

30 Years in 30 Days--1986

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30 Years in 30 Days--1986

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30 Years in 30 Days--1985

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Friday Free For All

1. Hub has been doing a lot of housework—laundry, dishes, general straightening—on the days that he is home. I feel like maybe I should be motivated to do more when I am home, but I am not. I get home between 6 and 6:30 and try to spend time with each of the kids. And yes, part of the problem is that I let Liv sleep on my chest for a good hour before I put her down, but I can’t help it. By the time I get organized, feed the cats, make bottles and get my pump ready, it’s like 11PM. I’m not about to clean the bathroom that late.
2. Speaking of my pump, I am making more milk. I think that my supply goes down when I have my period but then picks back up again when it’s gone. The proof is in the poop, which was good old breast milk poop this morning. I never thought I’d be so excited about poop. So yes, there is some formula, but not as much as I’d thought. YAY!
3. Of course I will only be able to pump once today because we have an “Appropriate Associate Conduct” seminar (a la The Office) from 3-5 today.
4. For those of you who supported me as I vented elsewhere this week, thank you. I feel a million times better.
5. My aunt is in town from Georgia this weekend and we are all getting together on Sunday for the football game. Everyone is bringing snacks and dips. They will have to roll me out of there. I’m making Hot Pepper Dip, which is oh so yum. I think I’m going to dig out Bud’s Bills shirt for Liv to wear. Even though The Bills have been sucking it up hardcore lately.
6. I’m kind of jealous of Kristin… who is meeting up with some fellow bloggers this weekend and is calling it Blogvention 2008. I want to have my own Blogvention! Some of us live pretty close to each other actually. Some of us live a little farther out, but still within hours. Why couldn’t we have a blogvention? Just putting it out there.
7. Ending with a few Halloween Pictures:

30 Years in 30 Days--1983

I went to kindergarten this year, something that I had been dying to do forever. We lived next door to the catholic school I went to, and always saw the kids outside playing. Sadly, my papa died in May, giving me my very 1st experience with death. The space shuttle Challenger made its 1st voyage in to space carrying Sally Ride. Compact discs debuted and the last episode of M.A.S.H aired. The Big Chill was a big movie that year. Fun Fact, I’ve been told that I look like Meg Tilly in The Big Chill on several occasions. I don’t see it, but what do you think?

30 Years in 30 Days--1982

I turned 4 this year and my grandfather, Papa, got very sick. He was in and out of the hospital. I shoplifted for the first (ok, only) time taking a package of gumdrops from our local drug store. Michael Jackson released “Thriller”. I had the record “The Chipmunks Sing ‘Thriller’” where The Chipmunks sand the entire album. John Belushi died of a drug overdose at the age of 33.

and then....

Contrary to popular belief, I am actually posting this month, other than my NaBloPoMo stuff. Here are just some of the things I have going on:

1. Bud had his recital and we trick or treated on Friday. Fun was had by all and no, I have not yet uploaded photos. I will though. Minnie Mouse, Cinderella and Bumblebee were super cute.
2. Bud is not doing well without wearing a pull up at night. I am at a loss as to what to do—the theory was to give him 2 weeks of sleeping in pee soaked clothes and he would train himself to get up—because who wants to sleep in a cold, wet bed. Apparently, he does. Nothing wakes this kid up. Then, this morning, he was staring off in to space in the living room as I was telling him to get his wet clothes off. He looks at me and tells me he was just finishing peeing. He wasn’t still asleep or anything like that; he blatantly peed in his already wet clothes. Hub talked to the doctor today, since the big kids had their flu shots, and she told him we were doing the right thing and to let it keep going and by no means should we put him back in pull ups. I’m tired of washing sheets though, that is for sure. I am at a loss.
3. Liv laughs all the time. It is the greatest sound in the world.
4. When I asked Lucy today why she kept growing; why sh wasn’t my baby anymore she told me it was because she needed to grow big and be a mom. She can’t wait to be a mom just like me. And it warms my heart.
5. I VOTED!!
6. I need to get something off of my chest but I’m not sure that I want to write about it. I’m having a really hard time right now, not knowing how to deal with a certain situation. I’m struggling. This is a situation that used to affect my life on a daily basis, that has recently reared it’s ugly head again. And while it has far less of an impact on me now, I am aware of this “situation” and am being worn down by it. (Cryptic much???) I don’t know. I probably just need to write about it and be done with it, and feel better. It’s tough. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
7. And now I’m going home!

30 Years in 30 Days--1981

My parents bought their first house this year, and for good reason. I was no longer an only child! My brother M was born in August and I was thrilled. I spent my days home with my mother and him having a grand time. My great uncle bought me a plastic slide that we kept in our family room, which gave me countless hours of enjoyment. I loved to watch The Muppet Show on Friday nights. MTV began broadcasting this year, and Ronald Regan took office.

30 Years in 30 Days--1980

As I began to turn in to an actual person, as opposed to a baby, my preferences toward people were clear. For whatever reason I was terrified of certain aunts and uncles. My mother’s father though, my Papa, was my very best friend. I was the only grandchild on that side of the family at the time, and our bond was amazing—so amazing that I remember it even now, 28 years later. I finally had some hair and my mother took great joy in putting as many barrettes as she could cram in to my hair. This year marked the beginning of the greatest decade in music history, in my opinion. John Lennon was killed this year, Kramer Vs. Kramer won The Academy Award for Best Picture, and Ted Turner launched CNN.

30 Years in 30 Days--1979

My family had a longstanding tradition of placing a shot glass, a rosary or money in front of a child on their first birthday to see if they would be a drunk, rich or clergy. All three of these were placed on my high chair tray when I turned one in 1979. I chose the rosary, not because I was pious, but because I just loved my Gramma’s beads. This was the year my milk allergy went full blown and my diet was changed to include a whole lot of soy milk (and it wasn’t anything like what it is today). I was still bald as a cue ball and remained so until just before I turned 2. My vocabulary improved to include repeating anything and everything that I heard. My mother’s favorite quote: “This fucking rabbit!” When my rabbit jack in the box would not work properly. John Wayne and Nelson Rockefeller died this year.

30 Years in 30 Days--1978

I was born October 14, 1978 in Buffalo, NY. Jimmy Carter was the president and Sony introduced the first walkman. To this day, my mother tells stories of how my uncles, who were 16 and 18 at the time, were waiting for my father and her to come home with me, smoking cigars in their living room. I did not ride home in a car seat, but on my mother’s lap. On their way home, they heard Stevie Wonder singing “Isn’t She Lovely”. This has always been my song (and my father and I danced to it at my wedding). My mother says I began speaking in full sentences when I was 10 months old. Judging by the way my own children speak, I believe her.