Last year we went to a pool party at my godmother’s house and I “forgot my bathing suit”. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and I wasn’t interested in putting it on display for various layers of my family. My parents took the kids in the pool, but it wasn’t very fun for them, and honestly, the kids would have preferred for Hub or me to be in the water anyway. So I decided at that point that I wasn’t going to have the kids miss out because of my insecurities. This summer there would be swimming.
As it happens, we’ve been put in the way of some upcoming activities that will require me to wear a swim suit. Not the usual summer vacation where we don’t know anyone, but amusement park trips with my brother, the beach with some friends and possibly a family camping trip. I know that I won’t get by without going in the water, especially because Liv is at a point where she wants to hang off of me, even in our 2.5 foot pool in the back yard. So I resigned myself to this fact of public swimsuit wearing. I’ve accepted it, and I’m moving on.
Now the swimsuit I’ve worn for the past few years is ok—in its one-piece with skirt old ladyish way. I wanted something a little more supportive, and a little more versatile. I couldn’t wear the existing suit under things because of the giant skirt. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed this about one-pieces, but they don’t do much in the way of supporting the girls. So I set out to casually look for some bathing suits—planning to do the shopping online and be done with it. Nothing seemed right though. I didn’t want a halter that tied at my neck, I didn’t want my whole thigh exposed…you get the idea. I was certain I wouldn’t find anything, but decided to look at the suits while I had the girls in Target on Saturday morning.
I was surprised with the selection—lots of nice interchangeable tops and bottoms. I saw a skirted bottom that I knew could work and decided to buy it even if I couldn’t find a top. And then I saw it—a black and white racer back top, that was fitted and had cups for support up top, but was looser and kind of ruched on the sides. A bit longer as well. I looked for and found an XL and I was sold. There was no time for trying it on, but I remembered the racer back Speedo suit I had in high school—mind you when I was a twig, but still had a need for support—and figured I’d be ok.
I put off trying it on when we got home. I was afraid of hating it. I was afraid it would give me back boobs. I was afraid of a lot of things. Eventually though, I did put it on and checked myself out in the mirror. The result was….not bad. There is no disguising the fact that I am overweight. And I think the fact that I get that now is helping me immensely. For my body type, the suit was perfect. I had nice cleavage and I had some flow in the belly region. My whole ass wasn’t hanging out; the skirt offered a lot of coverage, while still being modern. It was weird, but I genuinely liked the way I looked in the suit.
It was only when I decided to take the tags off that I realized the top portion of the suit was actually a maternity top. Nevermind that I’m not sure what kind of pregnant belly would fit in there, but UGH! Maternity!! This didn’t do a lot for my self esteem. Here I thought I’d found something perfect for “my body type”. It stung a little bit to know that my body type=looks pregnant but is not and has not been for 3 years. The Twitters helped to talk me down though, and I’m still keeping it. It is a good suit with good fit. Nobody will know the difference anyway I’m sure.
The rational part of me knows that nobody cares what I look like in a bathing suit. I know this I know this I know this! And I think I will actually wear it this coming weekend and I think I will wear it proudly.