Thursday, March 27, 2008

It’s hard when you’re trying not to think about something; trying not to write about something; trying not to let it bother you. Hard indeed. Hard to see someone who is self destructive without realizing it; falling back in to old habits; thinking nobody knows.

I’m glad that I am not there now, dealing with it on a daily basis like I did for so long, but when I see you; talk to you, I know immediately. You may be able to hide it from others, but it was my life for so long, you can not hide it from me.

I saw you. You didn’t think anyone did---but I did.

I don’t say anything—what would I say? How would I say it? What right do I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it bears no impact on my life now, however, knowing and seeing takes me right back and again, I am 12, 13, 14 and helpless. Unable to help you. Unable to DEAL with you—at all. I feel like shutting down and pretending and there is no good reason for it.

I am not there.

And I won’t be there.

I can’t.

I hate that it is still affecting me.

I just wonder if you will celebrate this year as you have in years past, for maybe the last 10.

I stopped counting 5 years ago when you’d decided it was ok to indulge a little bit.

It’s not ok; never has been. I think it’s apparent. Not to you though.

Look where you are now.

7 comments:

LoriD said...

This post gave me a knot in my stomach.

Mommy Daisy said...

This is sad, but I know the feeling.

Jess said...

Man. This is tough. It's so hard to watch that. I think it's good that you know that the most important thing for you and your family is for you not to get involved in that.

bethany said...

:(

It's ok for you to distance yourself. You don't need to be involved this time.

I wish that things weren't like this.

mom of the year said...

You made me feel it. You're not alone. And even though I'm not sure exactly what you are watching, I have it in my own life too, as I'm sure lots of people do (sadly). *hugs*

desperate housewife said...

It is such a fine line of caring but knowing you have to step away, that you can't save someone from themselves. I'm so sorry.

Pickles & Dimes said...

It's such a fine line to be helping someone and being an enabler, a crutch, and it's hard to realize the only person who can help them is THEM.