Thursday, March 27, 2008

It’s hard when you’re trying not to think about something; trying not to write about something; trying not to let it bother you. Hard indeed. Hard to see someone who is self destructive without realizing it; falling back in to old habits; thinking nobody knows.

I’m glad that I am not there now, dealing with it on a daily basis like I did for so long, but when I see you; talk to you, I know immediately. You may be able to hide it from others, but it was my life for so long, you can not hide it from me.

I saw you. You didn’t think anyone did---but I did.

I don’t say anything—what would I say? How would I say it? What right do I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it bears no impact on my life now, however, knowing and seeing takes me right back and again, I am 12, 13, 14 and helpless. Unable to help you. Unable to DEAL with you—at all. I feel like shutting down and pretending and there is no good reason for it.

I am not there.

And I won’t be there.

I can’t.

I hate that it is still affecting me.

I just wonder if you will celebrate this year as you have in years past, for maybe the last 10.

I stopped counting 5 years ago when you’d decided it was ok to indulge a little bit.

It’s not ok; never has been. I think it’s apparent. Not to you though.

Look where you are now.


LoriD said...

This post gave me a knot in my stomach.

Mommy Daisy said...

This is sad, but I know the feeling.

Jess said...

Man. This is tough. It's so hard to watch that. I think it's good that you know that the most important thing for you and your family is for you not to get involved in that.

bethany said...


It's ok for you to distance yourself. You don't need to be involved this time.

I wish that things weren't like this.

mom of the year said...

You made me feel it. You're not alone. And even though I'm not sure exactly what you are watching, I have it in my own life too, as I'm sure lots of people do (sadly). *hugs*

desperate housewife said...

It is such a fine line of caring but knowing you have to step away, that you can't save someone from themselves. I'm so sorry.

Pickles & Dimes said...

It's such a fine line to be helping someone and being an enabler, a crutch, and it's hard to realize the only person who can help them is THEM.