My (Apparent) Sexless Marriage

**Disclaimer to say that this is about my sex life. Reading further is up to you. **




Last weekend, I had a surge of energy for “activity”. Hub questioned me a bit, and I mentioned that I had heard this can happen in pregnancy, but that I’d never experienced it before. It was an eventful Easter weekend, in that respect, to say the least. And Hub was a happy, happy man.

It would stand to reason that Hub would wonder if this weekend would be the same; I can’t blame him. But it wasn’t. There were relations on Friday night, nothing spectacular, but not boring either. We were busy all day on Saturday, driving well south to experience “Maple Weekend” (and CA falling face first in to a mud puddle along with our van getting stuck in the muddy muddy parking lot ) as well as seeing a high school musical that our friend directed. By the time we got home, it was close to 11, I was exhausted and sore from being in the car so long, and it was all that I could do to stay awake long enough to get the kids in bed. Hub was disappointed; he thought something would happen. I apologized for being so tired, and politely said there was no way.

“But I drove both ways without even complaining!” he whined, as if that should buy him something. And I told him how much I appreciated it, and went to bed.

He made no secret of the fact that he had expectations yesterday either, questioning when the kids would be napping and so on. I wasn’t sure, since we had a lot to do, but assumed after we had gone shopping. Hub took CA and got the groceries, leaving me home to organize the entire pantry and work on laundry while ED watched the Kid’s Choice Awards. Not easy work for someone who IS NOT pushing 6-months-pregnant if you ask me……anyway, he came home and the kids went in for a late nap. CA fell right to sleep, but ED was not sleeping. Hub gave me the eyebrows. I told him I wasn’t keen on being buried under the covers wondering if ED was going to barge in. What Hub heard was “as soon as he is asleep, GAME ON!!!” We had a small lunch and I did some more work. ED was still awake, and Hub finally told him to lie quietly for 10 minutes and not to move. This apparently was our opportunity, and I declined, causing Hub to sulk around until dinner.

“But I’ve been so nice…I didn’t even complain when you went to bed last night……and I did drive all day yesterday……”

SERIOUSLY??

We have 2 kids and one on the way for god’s sake. It’s not like we are newlyweds.

I guess my question is how can I win in this situation? Apparently, last weekend, I made all of his dreams come true. And it wasn’t enough. Why couldn’t he just enjoy it for what it was instead of thinking that this was the pace of business for the rest of our lives? Apparently, I should have squelched my desire last week because all it did was backfire on me this week—all I did was make him want more. In my mind, it seemed like there should have been some sort of reprieve this week—honestly we did it more last weekend than we would typically do in 2 weeks.

I’m reasonably sure that we will never see eye to eye on this subject; though he did apologize last night and tell me that because of the events of last weekend, he was probably overly-excited—(he normally will ask for it a gazillion times, but be ok with, or even expecting to hear “NO!!”—he’s typically not a sulker). Ok then.

It doesn’t happen often, but I hate being made to feel like sex is a chore, or an obligation, or my duty as a wife.

I’m usually happy to oblige darling, but my duty right now is to grow your child. You’re going to have to deal with it.

L O V E

I love this point in pregnancy, when the baby is moving so much, and she still has a lot of room to work with. I feel every tiny kick and punch and watch my belly move like it is a circus. I can place my hand on my belly and feel her kick inside and out.

I love this point in pregnancy, when I feel like the baby has a personality. We are using her name daily, integrating her in to our lives before she is here. We are slowly preparing for her debut, and it is more exciting by the day.

I love that it is no less exciting the third time around than it was the first time around.

I love that when I get home from work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, CA is waiting at the top of the stairs to greet me with one of her signature hugs. She tells me without fail “Mama, it’s so nice to have you back home!!”

I love that she gives me the same hug at bedtime and after hearing it from me over and over, says “I give the best hugs!”.

I love that ED can put things in to perspective. If today is Friday, it is pizza night—and that means tomorrow is Saturday and there is no school.

I love that he has legitimate interests and can spend hours in his own world zooming trucks back and forth, sorting and organizing his little cars, or just conversing like an adult with his Grandfather.

I love that my kids are old enough to entertain each other while I laze on the couch after work as the week comes to an end.

I love that they, like me, are bored with going for a walk when we get to the corner, and are content to turn around and go home.

I love that my husband isn’t giving me a hard time about not keeping up on the housework during the week.

I love that he doesn’t mind my granny panties.

I love that he brings home little surprises for the kids after being out all night working.

I love that it upsets him that he is not home for a lot of dinners and bedtimes, and makes up for it by making the time that he is home count.

I love that we have decided to stay in our house and work on it piece by piece instead of packing up and starting from scratch.

I love that our cabinets are here, and our kitchen is really going to be done soon; and that we got an amazing deal on our countertop and sink.

I love that despite a snowstorm last night, we are starting to see signs of spring and warmth.

I love that it isn’t dark when I’m driving home from work anymore.

I love that the ducks have returned to our business park and waddle around in their male/female pairs and will soon be leading their ducklings around.

I love that Starbucks has introduced a delicious Honey Late right in the middle of my honey-craving phase.

I love that I have money to blow on Starbucks.

I love that I have the time in my workday to blog and comment to my heart’s content.

I love that I will have at least 10 weeks of paid time off this summer.

I love that I have the ability to take paid time off before the baby is here.

I love that I am ok with having nothing good to end this with.

It’s hard when you’re trying not to think about something; trying not to write about something; trying not to let it bother you. Hard indeed. Hard to see someone who is self destructive without realizing it; falling back in to old habits; thinking nobody knows.

I’m glad that I am not there now, dealing with it on a daily basis like I did for so long, but when I see you; talk to you, I know immediately. You may be able to hide it from others, but it was my life for so long, you can not hide it from me.

I saw you. You didn’t think anyone did---but I did.

I don’t say anything—what would I say? How would I say it? What right do I really have? In the grand scheme of things, it bears no impact on my life now, however, knowing and seeing takes me right back and again, I am 12, 13, 14 and helpless. Unable to help you. Unable to DEAL with you—at all. I feel like shutting down and pretending and there is no good reason for it.

I am not there.

And I won’t be there.

I can’t.

I hate that it is still affecting me.

I just wonder if you will celebrate this year as you have in years past, for maybe the last 10.

I stopped counting 5 years ago when you’d decided it was ok to indulge a little bit.

It’s not ok; never has been. I think it’s apparent. Not to you though.

Look where you are now.

Catching Up on Photos

I’ve been behind on photos, so here you’ll find a bunch. You’ll notice that CA is the subject of most of them, not because I’m playing favorites, but because ED flat out refuses to pose. CA loves to be in photos, and is very photogenic. What can I say, she’s a beauty……

This is them every morning—they get out of bed and pass out on the couch while I shower (it’s blurry, I know).


Here is CA on Valentine’s Day. Her shirt says “My heart belongs to Daddy”


A few of the kids sledding down Hub’s man made hill on our porch:








Sabbie loves the springtime sunshine


Here are the 2 outfits CA picked out for The Bean (shoes and all):




CA being goofy on the couch:




The kids and my MIL (who currently weighs less than 100 lbs which is a story for another day) on Easter morning:



CA posing on Easter (The first is quite possibly my all-time favorite picture of her—I could eat her. Everyone says she looks just like me in the second)







ED posing (reluctantly) on Easter. He loved his bug outfit though and asked if he could wear it again next Easter. He is only 4, but I feel like he looks 10!

Sooooooo...

• CA is probably fine. Dusty either doesn’t know how to read x-rays or was taking some extra precautions, but the orthopedic surgeon did not see any buckle or fracture—apparently a 2-year-old’s bones are still soft and there is still a lot of cartilage and things can be hard to determine. He took the temporary cast off, and she was able to move it with no problems. He suggested letting her wear the cast, if she would keep it on, for the next week or so, and removing it for bathing. He seemed to think that once she realized she was fine without it though, it would be hard to get her to wear it. He was right; she took it off in her sleep last night. He will see her again on Monday for new x-rays to be sure; but it’s a safe bet that she is fine.
• Since I was already out of work, CA and I picked ED up and took him to the early Tae Kwon Do class. To say that he was a real piss pot is an understatement. He wouldn’t start the class with the other kids (there were 2 new boys) and when he did go out there, he sat behind the teacher, facing the class, and goofed off. He poked and distracted the teacher and was a real distraction for the other kids. The last straw was when he took his belt and started dragging it all over the floor. I grabbed him, put his shoes on, and we left. I have never been more embarrassed. He spent the entire night in his room, with the exception of dinner. I’m reasonably sure that being tired and hungry played in to all of this, as he refused his lunch yesterday (potato pancakes) and had his snack taken away from him for smashing it on the table. Combine that with the 8lbs of Easter candy and being out late on Sunday……I don’t know, to me it is inexcusable. I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.
• My hips, tailbone and legs are so stiff and sore; I think the baby must be laying on something. I’ve never been in this much pain while pregnant.
• A friend at work, has a friend who had a baby today……guess what they named her?? ***sigh***
• Hub felt the baby move for the first time on Sunday. YAY!
• Have I ever mentioned that we earn points at work? They are much like credit card points; you can use them for travel or merchandise. I now have close to 10,000 thanks to figuring out how the hell Visio works, and creating 5 flow charts before I left at 1:30 yesterday. Anyway, I’m trying to decide what to do with them. I could get a new high chair and bouncy seat, I could get a new camera, I could get the pasta attachment and the grinder attachment for my mixer, or I could get a Wii. There are actually a million other things I could get as well. What would you do?? Be practical or be frivolous?
• I went to WalMart on lunch, to (finally) get some comfortable underwear, and ended up buying 6 dresses and 3 creepers for The Bean—I spent less than $40. I typically don’t like their clothes, but these were cute. I’m glad to have some new things for her so she won’t completely be the handy-me-down kid.
• Our cabinets are in!! We have to tear apart our kitchen and decide on a floor to prepare for the install. Holy crap!! It’s really going to happen! Maybe I’ll add “before” photos to the list of photos I’ve been meaning to post here.

The Rest of the Story

My sweet daughter was pretending that the couch was a row boat on Saturday. At some point, she lost her balance, rolled off, and cracked her wrist on ED’s rocking horse. Hub and I were in the kitchen at the time, and FIL was in the living room with both kids. FIL insisted she wasn’t hurt; just scared, but I could tell by the way she was holding her wrist that something was wrong.

We calmed her down and got out the ice pack and got some M&M’s. She tried picking them up with the injured (left) hand and barely could. (She is left handed….both of my kids are……weird and recessive, but I digress) Hub asked her to squeeze his finger, and when she did, she screamed in pain. We decided at that point to go to the ER.

We do have a children’s hospital near us, but I find them to be dirty, and the wait is ridiculous, so we went to the hospital nearby, and thankfully, were pretty much in and out. Because of the baby, I could not be with her for the x-ray, so I was glad that Hub was with me.

By the time the x-rays came back, she was acting pretty normal and was even using the wrist a little bit. When the doctor said it was broken, I almost asked “are you sure??” but I restrained myself. His name was Dustin something or other, but he lost all credibility when every member of the staff called him Dusty, rather than Dr. SoandSo.

Anyway, they gave her a temporary cast, and sent us on our way. She is doing really well, enjoying wearing her brother’s clothes, since her sleeves are all too small to fit over her cast. Her only complaint is that it is itchy.

We are off to see the Orthopedic Doctor now, so I will update you when I have more info.

Thanks to all for your well wishes!

Notes from the ER

You have a Picture Mail from salybeds@pm.sprint.com

Message: Cait broke her wrist. She is ok. Broken but ok. Happy easter. Options View Picture Order Prints and Gifts Reply to Sender Reply to All Forward Send and receive Pictures and Videos through Picture MailSM. For more information go to www.sprint.com/picturemail.

© 2008 Sprint Nextel. All rights reserved.

Fun Facts- The Hub N Me Edition

Tessie did fun facts today, and I am going to follow suit. These, however, are fun facts about Hub and me.

• I met my husband on the school bus when I was in 7th grade. I hated him, for he was loud and obnoxious. (He still is today) He had this “nice guy” reputation in high school and semi-dated my friend Lee. I sat with him on the bus a few times and talked to him about my then-boyfriend; a good friend of his. The summer after 10th grade he asked my friend Melissa about me, and called me one day in July to go to Six Flags with a bunch of people. We have been together ever since. I was 15 years old.
• That same summer, before we were “officially” together, I went to VA beach with my friend Staci. I met a boy there and made out with him for the entire week. I told Hub about it, reluctantly, because I didn’t want it hanging over us. He never let on that he was upset (but will tell anyone now that he was crushed).
• Our relationship was made official during a weekend party at Melissa’s dad’s house where he had ordered “Woodstock 1994” on pay per view. Hub drove up there on Saturday afternoon and had to leave Sunday morning by 5AM for work. He didn’t actually “ask me out” until we were on the phone the following Monday.
• My mother was not thrilled about our relationship, since he was 18 and I was 15 (nearly 16).
• We went back to school, for his senior and my junior year.
• I spent a lot of time skipping classes that year, because he had late arrival and early release privileges. I actually dropped morning and afternoon classes and never signed in to the new ones and nobody caught on.
• We both did theatre while we were there, and Hub climbed up to the catwalks and spray painted “Ed loves Sara” on the wall. As of 2 years ago, when my youngest brother was there, it was still on the wall.
• When my class held elections for Senior Class President, Hub and I lowered my friend Jer down from the rafters of the stage and blasted Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra (heard in 2001 a space Odyssey) through the aud. Up until that point everyone thought Jer was a no show and had dropped out of the election. He won the election, and though we all had a good talking to from the principal, we didn’t really get in any trouble.
• Hub graduated and I went back for senior year, and had probably the best year of my life (at that point anyway). All of the fun did not pay off though, and I was “let go” from our show choir, and ended up failing my last semester Government class. That being said, I did not graduate with my class in June, but rather after summer school in August. I never “walked across the stage” and to this day, my mother insists that I did not graduate. I have a diploma to prove that I did, in fact, graduate high school in 1996.
• That wasn’t really about our relationship, but was kind of a lead in.
• This is back tracking a bit……At my senior prom, my friend Ben, whom I’d spent a lot of time with that year (sans Hub), kissed me. Hub was furious.
• The day summer school let out, Hub and I left on a trip to Cedar Point. I had about 10 days before college started. When I cam home, my parents had completely locked me out of the house because they didn’t agree to me spending time in a hotel room, out of state with my boyfriend. This was when I made the decision to leave my parent’s house.
• It took a year of working 3 jobs in addition to going to school, but Hub and I moved in to our first apartment, a cute one bedroom basement apartment, on my 19th birthday. We are still paying off the credit card debt, now rolled in to our mortgage, but it was probably the most liberating and best thing I ever did for myself.
• 2 months after we moved in together, I had my wisdom teeth removed and Hub needed to take care of me. I’m surprised that he didn’t go running for the hills.
• The first piece of furniture we ever bought, a kitchen table and 2 chairs, is the same kitchen table we use today.
• One of my best memories of our apartment is coming home from a very long day to a warm bath and soft music playing. Once I was in the tub, Hub brought me a piece of home made chocolate pie.
• In 1999 we moved in to our current house, then owned by Hub’s dad. He was charging us half of what we paid for our tiny apartment, and we had the whole front and upstairs of the house. This afforded us the opportunity to stop working as much, concentrate on school, and have a little bit of fun.
• In June 2000, I started at my current employer, and soon after, Hub and I got our 1st cat Sebastian---who we still refer to as our 1st born.


• Hub proposed to me at Cedar Point, where we had vacationed every year since 1996, on August 14, 2000.
• We were married 9/14/02 and had the best day of our lives. We threw a kick-ass reception!


• (You guys know the rest)
• I was pregnant by April 2003 and we had our first baby, a boy, January 7, 2004.

• By November 2004 we were expecting our second, a girl, who was born August 18, 2005.

• We are currently expecting our third, another girl, on August 6, 2008

This all kind of makes me wonder where we will go next.

10 For Thursday

1. I came in to work early again today because my calendar is booked solid from 9-4. I am double booked twice and I have to do 2 interviews. What the heck?? Of course, instead of getting work done, here I am……

2. Hub has worked every night this week leaving me to deal with the kids on my own. It’s not really a big deal, but I sure am wiped out. He will be home tonight until 10, so I feel like I’m getting a break.

3. I have 2 videos that I want to post and I keep forgetting to upload them. One is of ED on the sled, screaming up to Hub after he says “all right ED!” that he is actually Jeff Gordon. The other is of CA who wanted to watch herself sing the ABC’s on camera. So we recorded that, and then she insisted on singing “I love you”. Maybe tonight.

4. My mother had a panic attack last night because the ham she ordered from QVC for Easter Dinner is on back order. Am I the only one who thinks that ordering a ham from QVC, as well as a ham being on back order in general, is hysterical? She didn’t find it very funny.

5. I’ve been on the border of getting sick all week. I has stomach issues on Tues and Weds and today my throat and ears hurt. I credit the prenatal vitamins with keeping me healthy. As opposed to the 2 other times, I have hardly been sick at all. It’s refreshing.

6. I found out that our hospital has remodeled all of their post-partum rooms; they are all private and they boast a home-like atmosphere. The baby gets to room in with you the whole time you are there. I’m pretty sure the nurses will still barge in on me at all hours of the night. I wouldn’t exactly call that home-like.

7. I’ve been giving more thought to my proposed early induction. I hated being induced, however, if it gives me the chance of having a smaller baby, one who does not have to go to the NICU for hypoglycemia, I think I’m going to do it. I would rather be uncomfortable and somewhat miserable instead of going through what I did with CA. That thought has terrified me since I got pregnant; I can not leave the hospital without my baby again. It’s not going to happen. So when we evaluate at 36 weeks, I will ask for a scheduled induction.

8. Speaking of this baby bean, Hub has decided he really doesn’t like the middle name we have chosen. He’ll go with it, but I’m not sure that I want to hear his incessant complaining about it. Every time he hears CA’s middle name, he makes a comment. He hates it. Whatev. We’ll see what happens.

9. I’m also prepping myself to begin dieting before I come back to work from my maternity leave. This will be hard because typically I am hungrier when I am breastfeeding than I am when I am pregnant. It’s been proven, however, that I can not start a diet at work. I need to establish the good habits prior to coming back. It’s going to be hard, but I need to do something. I can’t look like this anymore. I bought “You on a Diet” just before I got pregnant, so I’m going to study up and figure out a way to do this without depleting my milk etc. (there is a huge change that post-partum feelings will send this all down the toilet, but it’s good in theory, right????)

10. Finally, I commented somewhere the other day that CA was 26 months old. Am I on drugs? She is 2 years and 7 months old, which makes her what, 31 months old? Holy hell! She’s closer to being 3 than I realized!! I worry about her not being the baby anymore. She is SO the baby. I had similar worries for ED before she was born and it all worked out fine, but I can’t help but worry that we are forever impacting her life by making her the middle child. It’s valid; her life—all of our lives—will change forever when the bean is here. She’s just had so much time to herself as the baby of our family, where as ED had less than 2 years, and it scares me. I’m encouraged though that she has already offered to help change diapers, and rub the baby’s back, and be my helper. She’s going to be a great big sister, of that, I am sure.

There Is Nothing Holding This Post Together.....

To say that I am lazy when it comes to housework is a huge understatement. Clutter is kind of a way of life for us. I don’t see a huge point in spending 2 hours cleaning every night after work when I could be spending time with the kids. I’ve been a little more lax than I should be concerning the kitchen lately, since we are getting all new stuff, but yesterday I got some sort of bug up my ass, and decided at 8:30 that I was scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom. It was like I went in to panic mode or something. There will be people in our house, installing cupboards and what not. They’re not going to think, “Oh, the floor is dirty because they’re getting a new one” but rather “these people are scumbags and rather than clean, they’re getting new stuff!!” So I cleaned until 11PM, and am paying for it today.

Hub noticed though and thanked me (at 2:30 am) without stating the obvious, which is, “What’s the point”. I think I need to have a serious talk with him about talking to me when he gets home though. Isn’t it bad enough that the bean keeps me up with her cervix kicking, leg cramps and heartburn all night?

Funny story---one of my reps who is pregnant called in 3 days in a row last week without giving me a reason. When she came back, she told me that she had called in because she was just so tired, and she knew I would understand. Seriously? Talk to me when you have 2 kids getting up in the middle of the night AND you’re tired from being 6-months pregnant. Ass. (I feel like I told you this story already)

Another story about a pregnant friend (and employee)……she actually had her baby today! She tried for 9 years, since her 1st was born and had been through fertility treatment and several miscarriages. Last summer she said she had enough; and if she was not pregnant by the time she turned 30, she was done. She attempted to sell all of her baby stuff at a garage sale in June, and nobody came. She found out days before her birthday in July that she was pregnant. She had tons of problems and has been out of work since November, and against all odds, this baby, who she named Faith, was born today, healthy and almost 9lbs. I am so thrilled for her and her family. Did you know that today is St. Joseph’s day? He is the patron saint of families. The whole situation, if you ask me, is remarkable.

I am 20 weeks today!! WOOT!! Half way there!!

Happy Tuesday!!

Somehow, I made it to work at 7:30 this morning. I usually roll in around, say, 9:10 or so, so this is an amazing feat. How, you might ask? Hub came home from work at 5-ish. I was on the couch, where I had been all night. He thought it was important to tell me that ED was in our bed, and ask whether I was aware. I was not, nor did I see how this was relevant conversation for 5AM. After Hub made himself comfy in bed, ED woke up and came out on the couch with me. Sleep was out the window.

I lay on the couch in the dark for about 30 minutes and then decided to screw it, got up and came to work. I even made my own breakfast and coffee instead of stopping. Seriously. AND I wore a skirt and heels. The world may be ending. To top it all off, there was amazing music on my satellite radio on the way in, starting with The Bloodhound Gang and “Fire Water Burn” and ending with Damn Yankees “High Enough” (which I can not get out of my head).

Let’s hope my day doesn’t hit the shitter from here.

I saw my new OB yesterday who was perfect and exactly what I was looking for ( think I mentioned that she was the resident at the hospital and assisted in both of my other deliveries). We had an actual conversation instead of the 3 minute in and out appointments I was getting at the old place. I felt like she truly cared about my well being, and the baby, and making sure we had the absolute best care. It was warm and fuzzy like the old practice was before everyone left. She told me that the DR at the old one only delivers babies one night a week and one weekend a month, so the on call DR’s affiliated with the hospital have to do all of their deliveries. NOBODY told me that, and let me tell you that if some stranger was delivering my baby, I would not have been pleased. So, I’m extremely happy. Hub is happy too because they induce at 38.5-39 weeks. He’s afraid that since CA came so quickly, we won’t have time to go to the hospital. I have strong feelings AGAINST being induced, because pitocin contractions come straight from the devil, but we’ll see where we are—the DR thinks that it is a good option to consider based on the size of my other babies. The other good thing would be that they do them on Mon, Tues or Weds during the day so we could potentially do it when the kids are home and not worry about the middle of the night shuffle. I have to have an ultrasound at 36 weeks to check her size and we’ll go from there, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that she will be a July baby one way or the other.

I get more excited about her by the day. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. There is so much to be done!! I’m not allowing myself to go through her clothes and things until I accomplish what I want to get done upstairs, which basically involves an overhaul. Our cupboards came in yesterday, so our kitchen should be done by the end of April at the latest. Hub hasn’t even started the tear-out or moved the 2 doorways we need to move. I think I need to take a few days off to clear the kitchen out. I want to take before photos as well. My list just keeps getting longer, and I should be a lot more motivated, but all I can think about is baby girl.

I can’t believe its only 9:15! What am I going to do with the rest of my day??

Pink Flamingos

My grandmother had a thing about pink flamingos. She didn’t like them at all. I’m not sure who bought her the first one, but it ended up that she had quite a few, the majority of which were kept in her very pink bathroom. It kind of became a family joke, and despite her initial dislike, I’m pretty sure that she grew fond of them over the years.

I haven’t thought very much, if at all, about flamingos since her passing 2.5 years ago. Why would I, anyway?

CA and I went to Old Navy over the weekend because I had to return a skirt that was much too big. I told her that she could pick something out instead, and she insisted on getting an outfit for her baby sister. She scoured the baby section picking things up, and putting them down for a good fifteen minutes, until she came upon the perfect items. She picked them up and beamed at me “This Mama! This is for my sister!” She had picked a stuffed pink flamingo along with a short sleeved creeper that has a small flamingo embroidered on the upper left hand side. I asked her why she picked this in particular (she also insisted on buying shoes for the baby….but anyway) and she looked at me and said “This is just what I was looking for!”

I didn’t think much about it until telling my mom what she had bought. I kept saying pelican for some reason, and then said……”no, not a pelican……Gramma’s birds……Flamingos!!” All at once it kind of clicked. She’s watching us. She is looking out for this baby. I have to believe that somehow, she was there when CA picked these things out.

My grandmother never met CA; she died 2 months after she was born. Nobody told me how bad it was; or that it might be close to the end. I was dealing with a 20-month old and a newborn, so even if someone had expressed how serious it was, I don’t know if I would have caught on. My grandmother had what I would call an obsession with baby’s hands. She always told me that they were the most beautiful part of a baby. Soon after she passed away, CA started sleeping with her hands folded delicately by her face. She did it for a few months, and then stopped. Again, I’m sure it was my Gramma.


CA at 6 months

She loved ED so much, and I can only imagine how great she would have been with CA, my cousin’s baby girl, and our new baby girl. It’s not fair to these girls that they will never know her. Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss her. It helps to know that she is out there though, watching us, knowing our children, and watching them grow.

Look Out!! Friday Free For All!!!

I’m not really sure how Friday has become my busiest meeting day at work. I am equally unsure of how 3 donuts ended up in my mouth this morning. Gestational diabetes, here I come!!

I’m not even looking forward to this weekend. It all starts with bringing home ED’s class guinea pig tonight. Tomorrow, hub promised the kids that we could go to breakfast at McDonald’s before their classes. ED’s Tae Kwon Do is at 9:15 and I have to drop them off with enough time to get CA to gymnastics by 9:30. We will be at McDonalds at 8 if anyone wants to join us. (ha) Then, ED and Hub have tickets to the Monster Truck Show tomorrow night, starting with the free pit party at 6. Guess who has to drop them off since Hub doesn’t want to deal with parking??? Oh, right, that would be me!! CA and I are going shopping for the evening and hopefully, FIL will pick them up because I do not want to go downtown at midnight. Sunday is my little cousin’s birthday party, and Hub has to leave for work at 8 PM.

Is it really true that there is a meme going around where people post photos of themselves 1st thing in the morning?? Seriously??? Some of you won’t even post pictures of what you look like normally, much less 1st thing in the morning. I’m working on a theory that it’s not about anonymity, by the way, but rather that you either have bad 80’s hair or lady mullets. That’s right! I’m looking at YOU, Swistle, Fana and Emily!

Clearly, I’m kidding; you don’t have to prove me wrong.

But here is what I look like first thing in the morning—in black and white. The bags under my eyes and greasy hair might kill you in color. Do you like my shirt? It says “Grab your balls! We’re going bowling!!” It is a standard in my PJ wardrobe to the point where if it’s in the wash, ED asks “where is your bowling shirt??”



Can you tell it’s been a long week? I had to have 18 performance and development plans completed by end of business yesterday and the intranet at work kicked me out no less than 30 times. If it weren’t for pregnancy and needing my job, I’d have probably cracked a bottle of something open at my desk, or thrown the computer through a window. Good thing I’m not near any windows, huh?

Finally, if one more person, including my husband makes a comment about me wearing short sleeves, even though it is cold and snowy, I’m going to lose it. I’m hot…not just dead sexy, but HOT. Leave me the hell alone and consider yourself lucky that I haven’t opened the windows.

I think it’s time for another donut!

When the Baby Name Game Gets Messy

I love to watch the old Seinfeld reruns before I go to bed every night. Last night was one of my favorites, the one where George has his heart set on naming his baby, who has not even been conceived, Seven. His fiancée Susan wants nothing of it and mentions it to a pregnant friend, who loves it. She and her husband decide that their baby will be named Seven, and George goes on a rampage, causing her to go in to labor. George goes with them to the hospital, all the while suggesting different names to no avail. The episode ends, and in my opinion climaxes with George pressed against the glass of the delivery room door screaming in despair, “SEVEN!! SEVEN!!!”

I laughed hysterically last night, as I watched this episode for what was probably the 20th time, never thinking that I would be in a similar situation today. But here it is, Tuesday morning, and friends of ours who did not know the sex of their baby and would not discuss names, emailed to tell of the birth of their new daughter. (You can see where this is going, right?) The subject of the email is “Hannah Emily”.

As soon as I saw it pop, my breath caught in my throat. This probably isn’t justified, but I burst in to tears right at my desk. Hannah is OUR name!! We didn’t have the same middle name, mind you, but it was ours just the same!! I called Hub to tell him and he insisted that this doesn’t change anything. We’ve been talking about her name amongst ourselves since November now, and it doesn’t change anything. “THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!”, I wailed, stifling sniffles. Hub was on a job and couldn’t talk any longer, but it would stand to reason that he thinks I’m a loon.

Am I a loon?

I like to think that I am a pretty rational person. I am well aware that Hannah is on the rise as one of the top baby names out there and I was prepared for our baby girl to have a common name as she enters school. My name is Sara for God’s sake…I was never one in a million and it wasn’t a problem for my parents—they love my name. But never in my life did it occur to me that our friends were considering this name. I think that maybe, MAYBE, I would be ok if they were casual acquaintances, but they are not. In addition to being my SIL’s brother and wife, they are our friends. We see them at family and non-family functions. My brother and SIL would have 2 nieces named Hannah.

We only found out that she was a girl last Thursday and did not tell anyone our name until then. They definitely didn’t know. Justifiably, they had their baby first and it is a free country. I know no malice was involved. She is a beautiful baby girl, with teeny tiny toes, and a full head of blonde hair, and I am thrilled for our friends.

But here I am, my face pressed against the delivery room door screaming “Hannah!! HANNAH!!!!”

The Weekend, Wind Burn, The Monday After and a Crisis of Underwear

We had a pretty big snow storm this weekend which forced many cancellations, including CA’s gymnastics on Saturday morning. I drove home from a baby shower on Friday evening, willing the snow to cancel my bowl-a-thon on Saturday morning, but alas, I had no luck and had to bowl anyway. I came home and Hub, CA and I ventured downtown for our local home and garden show. It was pretty interesting, especially the part where we talked to a guy about remodeling our existing house VS. building a brand new house and how comparable the price would actually be, and the vanilla ice cream with a minty swirl in it.

Hub snowblowed a pretty good hill on to our porch, so the kids spent the day sledding in the front yard yesterday. Well, CA mostly threw snowballs, but ED really enjoyed the sledding. I have photos and video to prove it, but you know me……you may not see them for a while……or at all. The kids’ cheeks were rosy like apples from the cold and the wind, but I was not so lucky. I ended up with a horrible windburn, complete with raised blotchy bumps, all over my cheeks and chin. At first I thought I was having some sort of allergic reaction, but the fact that it only appeared where my skin was exposed convinced me that I did not need to bust out the benedryl (though I had to try harder to convince myself that my throat was not closing up as I drifted off to sleep last night). I’d also decided that if I woke up today looking the same, that I was not coming in to work.

My skin today is red and blotchy, but not bumpy, so I did come to work, but only after dealing with horrific dreams filled with blood and miscarriage all night long (can we do something to shut the dreams off already? It’s getting OLD!), the kids not wanting to get out of bed this morning because it was still dark, a partially flat tire—I thought it was fine but drove FIL’s car in anyway, and an underwear crisis.

I have never had to buy new underwear during pregnancy. I wear them below my belly anyhow, so it has never been an issue. (TMI?? Perhaps.) But this baby girl, she is so low in my belly, that all of my underwear is severely uncomfortable. She is kicking me in my waistband as we speak. I fear that I will be investing in granny panties soon. I’m telling you, its one thing after another these days.

In any case, I arrived at work less than an hour late. And I won another free coffee, bringing my tally to 4 out of, say, 11. Not an entirely bad start to my week.

2 Appointments, 2 Days

The appointment yesterday, though long, was pretty uneventful. We got to the hospital by 9 and did not get in for the sonogram until after 10. The baby is currently breach, but at 18 weeks, it’s not any cause for concern. She is measuring right on schedule, where as my other 2 kids were each 10-days to 2-weeks ahead of the game by the time we had our ultrasound. So, we’ll see how she does. Perhaps she will not have low blood sugar at birth like her brother and sister before her. More importantly, hopefully she will not spend 3 days in the NICU like her sister did. I loved seeing her little profile in there, seeing the exact same button nose of ED and CA that was prominent in their ultrasound photos. Now, more than ever, I can’t wait to meet this little girl. When the doctor illustrated with her 2 fingers around how big the baby is, CA responded with “Oh! That’s about how big my poop is!!” I wanted to die; hub thought it was hysterical. The best part of the day, by far, was going to IHOP afterward. Have you seen the commercial for those shortcake pancakes? YUM. They are a thicker pancake, smothered in fruit and whipped cream. To.Die.For. I highly recommend the blueberry version.

Today I saw the neurologist and didn’t have much to show for it. There haven’t been enough tests done to give pregnant women some hardcore drug. SO we are trying Tylenol with codeine to see if that helps to relieve them. Back in 2 months, but only if it doesn’t help.

I was also successful in changing OBGYN’s today. I see the new one, who was the OB resident at the hospital when I had complications prior to delivery as well as when I delivered each of my other children, at her practice on 3/17. I’m actually pretty excited about it. When my old Dr., who is now the Director of Prenatal Testing at our hospital, did my sonogram yesterday, and I mentioned proposed new doctor’s name, she said that she had actually offered her a position at the old practice but she didn’t accept as she was looking for something different. She comes highly recommended and based on my dealings with her in the past; I think we’ll be satisfied. YAY! It feels good to have something go my way for a change.

For those of you furiously refreshing your readers....(har)

Drum roll please.......




It's a GIRL!!!!

I slept hard all night last night without even getting up to pee. If the kids woke up, I didn’t hear them. We woke up this morning to a blanket of ice and snow that took over 30 minutes to scrape/melt off of my car. I never did get it off of my side mirrors. Hooray for March!! (oh, that was sarcasm……)

Yesterday, after starting off quite badly, continued to get worse. I had to let one of my associates go, which is rare in a specialty group such as mine with senior associates. Unfortunately, it was more than warranted. Seeing anyone lose their job, sucks. Being the one to do it sucks more. Firing someone with whom you have worked for over 4 years; someone with whom you have a personal connection to the point where you know their family, sucks even worse than that. Firing someone who is so nice and so sincere, that on his way out the door for the last time he says “Thanks for everything Sara, good luck with the baby” is like a punch in the gut. I felt like throwing up all day long.

I met Hub and ED at Tae Kwon Do last night to find ED crying hysterically. Apparently, he was in trouble for kicking the wall. The teacher asked him once to stop, and when he did not, Hub stepped in. After all of the progress on Monday, you know, the progress that prompted us to pay $600 to cover the next 6 months, he refused to take the class yesterday. There is only one other child in the class and he doesn’t want to do it when she’s there. We are working on it. The teacher is doing a private lesson for him this afternoon. This poor child has inherited my childhood wallflower personality. He gets uncomfortable and embarrassed so easily (which is why it took him 4 months to adjust to his new daycare) but in familiar situations, he is a completely different kid. We still feel like Tae Kwon Do is what he needs, but it sure is frustrating to see him behave this way after doing do well.

I feel like I need to point out that I don’t think that I can go to Tae Kwon Do anymore because of the teacher, and his man feet, that get way too close to me for comfort.

In a bout of pregnancy induced stupidity, I almost climbed in to someone else’s car. It was the same style and color of mine and when I walked up to it and saw the number pad under the door handle I did not think “oh, this can’t be my car; we don’t have that”, but instead thought “Hey, when did we get these???” and proceeded to try and unlock the car with my keys. Yes, I am an idiot.

Finally, ***FINALLY!!!!!*** tomorrow morning is my appointment. It is at 9AM, so as soon as I am back at work, (we are taking the kids and will probably get breakfast afterward) I will let you know what we found out. Use your superpowers and will the baby to be gracious for me. I’ll be doing the same thing!!!

Oh, and P.S. please say some prayers for my blogging pal Bananafana who is 33 weeks pregnant and had some complications last night. We really need for her and the baby to be just fine. You can read all about it here.

Who Needs Sleep? Well You're Never Gonna Get It!

"Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around...."


1. My mother is fine, Thank God. Thanks for all of your well wishes; it was scar tissue. Hopefully, this will be what she needs in order to push her in the directions of quitting smoking. She told me yesterday that she would. I am skeptical.
2. ED participated in the entire Tae Kwon Do class yesterday and did a great job. He got his uniform and everything, which is adorable. I will take a photo soon. It’s going to cost me $99 a month, but I think it’s worth it. We went to Friendly’s for dinner to celebrate.
3. By the time we got home my headache had turned in to a full-blown migraine. I put the kids to bed and passed out on the couch. I woke up confused—I didn’t even realize hub had gone to work--around 10, fed the cats and went to bed.
4. By 11:30 CA was in my bed snoring away.
5. At 12:30 I put her back in her bed after I woke up coughing up stomach acid. I forgot to take a Pepcid before bed. I propped myself up on the couch, watched a bit of Craig Ferguson (is it odd that I find him very attractive?? I think it’s his humor…something about him is sexy) and went back to sleep.
6. Hub came home around 1:30 and insisted on shouting a conversation from the bedroom where he was changing in to the living room.
7. ED was up at 2:00 wanting to lay with me on the couch. I asked him to lay on the loveseat but when I woke an hour later, he was curled up in between my legs.
8. CA was up again at 5, upset that I had put her back in bed. She fell asleep on my chest, ED curled back up in between my legs and I was wide awake.
9. I must have fallen asleep at some point because the alarm startled me---and I felt exhausted.
10. When I complained to Hub that the kids were crabby and further stated that if anyone had the right to be crabby, it was me he said “I’m not trying to be mean, but it is your own fault……” He’s right. I should let them both scream; perhaps lock them in their room so that we can’t hear them and get some good, uninterrupted sleep. I feel like I need to point out that he sleeps like a king during all of this, the bed to himself with extra pillows. Not that the kids would even go to him in the middle of the night if he offered……but still.
11. In the midst of all of this, I dreamt of my ex again last night. That I was in a bar with 2 girlfriends and he was there. We split a pizza. Hub drove me out to his house the next day, and we walked through the mall and had more pizza. Seriously, what the hell?
12. I need more caffeine that pregnancy will allow.

*lyrics and title courtesy of BNL

Weekend Recap

This weekend was long, and not the good kind of long. Although we were busy, it seemed to drag on and on and I constantly had the feeling of “when is this going to end??” I guess maybe I was just tired, but I am looking forward to this coming weekend when we have nothing to do.

I called my mom on Saturday to get her sloppy joe recipe and was told that when she had her chest x-ray for pneumonia, 2 weeks ago, something else showed up and she had a cat scan a week ago. She didn’t want to tell me because I’m pregnant; she didn’t want me to worry. The Dr. is optimistic that it is scar tissue from a previous infection, but as of now she hasn’t got the results. It would be nice if it was scar tissue, but honestly, after 40 years of heavy smoking, I won’t be surprised if it’s more. Not that I’m wishing for it to be more—it would be great if it was just a scar, but I am preparing myself for it being much more. I’m the type of person who doesn’t worry until I have all of the facts, but this----this is gnawing at the back of my brain like crazy. Until we know more though, that’s all I’m going to say.

CA did well at gymnastics, especially any of the parts that involved jumping. ED still would not participate in Tae Kwon Do. Hub is taking him this afternoon when there will be no other children there to give him one last shot. It may just not be for him. I actually think he would enjoy gymnastics too, but the discipline factor of the Tae Kwon Do is what makes it attractive. So again, we’ll see how today goes……but this time, it really is the last time.

The kids enjoyed Sesame Street Live yesterday. CA got cranky during the second half and fell asleep on me before the end. She was crabby when we got home around 4 and was running a temperature so I bathed her, and she crawled up on top of me around 6:00 and passed out. She was in bed by 6:30 and slept all night. ED was in bed by 8, which is rare and Hub and I retired as soon as “The Simpsons” was over.

This baby is very low in my pelvis, which has never been the case before. I keep thinking that it is way too early to feel it jumping around on my bladder, but honestly, that’s one of the only places I ever feel it. It seems low, and far back. I’m nervous about Thursday—what if, at 18 weeks, they can’t tell? And I waste my time and my one and only sonogram shot until I’m like, 38 weeks? I need to know! I need to buy a baby book and start taking inventory of what we have compared to what we need. I need to make lists, tons of lists!! Everything hinges on the sex of this baby!! Ok, it really doesn’t. I’m stressed, nonetheless. (It is jumping like crazy right now, BTW)

In an odd twist I dreamt that the baby was a girl last night. Of course, in this dream the dr. was unavailable so the Assistant Director from our Daycare stepped in to do the sonogram…… I had another dream that I was riding in a log flume boat with an old manager of mine and we got trapped in an underground cave. There were lots of people there, including my Uncle Jim, who had superpowers that could get us all out, but he didn’t want anyone to know that he was a superhero. He was dressed all in yellow spandex though, so everyone knew he was a superhero. It was ridiculous.

It is Monday and I have an awful headache (but that is not news). I’m ready to go home. At least I finally won a free coffee! 1 out of 6….not bad.