Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I couldn’t place it at first, what was different about our basement yesterday, but when I did, my breath caught in my throat. The bassinette was gone. It’s not as if I didn’t know we were getting rid of it; Hub and I had discussed it at length. It was one of the Graco recalled models, so although we were fine with using it because the defect was easy for us to fix, and we were aware of exactly what it was, we weren’t comfortable giving it away or donating it. We discussed that in the unlikely event of having more children, we’d buy a new smaller model. We talked about it several times, and though I always sounded wishy-washy about it, I did tell Hub to go ahead and get rid of it. It was taking up space and there was no reason to keep it. Still, when I realized it was gone, I found myself bawling in the middle of the basement, having to put the cans of vegetables I’d got from the pantry down so that I could wipe my eyes. It was just so final, like though the door is open a teensy crack, the safe bet is that I will never ever have another child. We are done saving baby items for what might someday be. It was as if in that moment all of my eggs shriveled up, and the door slammed closed. I don’t know, I guess I just wasn’t prepared. I composed myself quickly, and went upstairs to finish dinner, and took a minute to take in my babies, all absorbed in what they were doing, all so much older than I ever imagine them. My babies, who all slept cozily in the same bassinette and then crib for the first years of their lives. It just all goes so fast. I’m not prepared for it to be over.

6 comments:

Shelly Overlook said...

Sigh indeed.

Jess said...

Oh, man. I assume that every mother feels like this when she thinks she's done having children. I assume even Michelle Duggar will have similar thoughts someday? If she ever stops having kids, that is.

Pickles and Dimes said...

It's hard when a decision is final-final, you know? It's like you always want to keep the door open, just in case.

Swistle said...

Ack, I know. It helps me to remember that things can easily be repurchased. Which is what we had to do when I found out I was having Henry.

d e v a n said...

((hug))

bananafana said...

now I'M crying. That door is pretty well chained shut for us (unless we want to go through the pain and expense of surgeries) but I still can't get rid of our baby stuff. In fact, I just packed all of our bassinette stuff carefully away in the basement two days ago . . . for what I have no idea.