Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I couldn’t place it at first, what was different about our basement yesterday, but when I did, my breath caught in my throat. The bassinette was gone. It’s not as if I didn’t know we were getting rid of it; Hub and I had discussed it at length. It was one of the Graco recalled models, so although we were fine with using it because the defect was easy for us to fix, and we were aware of exactly what it was, we weren’t comfortable giving it away or donating it. We discussed that in the unlikely event of having more children, we’d buy a new smaller model. We talked about it several times, and though I always sounded wishy-washy about it, I did tell Hub to go ahead and get rid of it. It was taking up space and there was no reason to keep it. Still, when I realized it was gone, I found myself bawling in the middle of the basement, having to put the cans of vegetables I’d got from the pantry down so that I could wipe my eyes. It was just so final, like though the door is open a teensy crack, the safe bet is that I will never ever have another child. We are done saving baby items for what might someday be. It was as if in that moment all of my eggs shriveled up, and the door slammed closed. I don’t know, I guess I just wasn’t prepared. I composed myself quickly, and went upstairs to finish dinner, and took a minute to take in my babies, all absorbed in what they were doing, all so much older than I ever imagine them. My babies, who all slept cozily in the same bassinette and then crib for the first years of their lives. It just all goes so fast. I’m not prepared for it to be over.